We watch... so you don't have to.
Rubber Squid! Rubber Squid! Flee for Your Lives!
I missed most of Peter Benchley's "Beast" on NBC this week, but I really didn't feel too bad about that, because of course, I've seen "Jaws."Not to accuse Peter Benchley of being a one-trick pony or of going to the well one too many times, but let's face it: the man likes to dance with the gal who brung him.
Consider:
"Jaws" is about an idealistic guy living in a beachfront town that makes its living off the tourist trade. A horrible mechanical shark comes, eats some people, but corrupt city officials turn a blind eye until the mechanical shark eats someone during the beachfront town's biggest tourist weekend. The idealistic guy sets off on a boat to kill the horrible mechanical shark, but convention methods fail. Eventually, he resorts to blowing up the shark, but not before a crusty Irish sea captain is devoured whole.
"The Beast" is about an idealistic guy living in a beachfront town that makes its living off the tourist trade. A horrible rubber squid comes, eats some people, but corrupt city officials turn a blind eye until the rubber squid eats someone during the beachfront town's biggest tourist weekend. The idealistic guy sets off on a boat to kill the horrible rubber squid, but convention methods fail. Eventually, he resorts to blowing up the squid, but not before a couple of crusty scientists are devoured whole.
I think we can all see a pattern here. Take a horrible sea creature. Make it attack people. Make sure the creature gets blowed up real good. Roll credits and cash that royalties check.
So what does Peter Benchley do for an encore? Pete Ko and I managed to come up with what we believe to be a surefire follow-up.
"Manatee!"
Even its name conjurs up an image of fear. Even if the Manatee itself is a docile creature living off the Florida shores whose only natural enemy is the blade of a propeller boat.
Nevertheless, "Manatee!" is certain to be a major horror movie hit, even if the animal doesn't dine on human flesh, but instead prefers kelp.
All that aside, "Manatee!" will make your blood run cold and force you to cry out to your God for death, should you ever be so foolish as to set even a toe inside your swimming pool again, although -- and I hesitate to bring this up -- the manatee is commonly referred to as "the sea cow."
All right, so "Manatee!" is a dumb idea. But it sure beats the hell out a giant man-eating Sea Urchin.
