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TeeVee Mailbag

You know, we used to think we were pretty cool.

Whenever there was a situation that called out for a witty rejoinder, we were there, rejoinding. If you needed someone to provide a vicious and sarcastic slur, we were ready at a moment's notice with one-eyebrow askance. We thought we were so-hip, too-cool-for-school, the cat's meow and all that jazz.

Oh, how wrong we were. Because now it's plain to see we're just a bunch of insensitive jackasses.

A while back, Greg Knauss -- one of our frequent contributors in spite of his resemblance to pop star Meat Loaf -- noticed that a number of hits to our TeeVee page were coming via searches for the words "Tori Spelling naked" and made the logical conclusion, that a bunch of slack-jawed, glassy-eyed, nine-fingered half-wits were spending an unseemly amount of time on the World Wide Web searching for raunchy pictures of the least attractive "90210" cast member, not including Joe E. Tata.

"Well, we'll show them," the sinister Knauss thought. And so, as an experiment, he wrote an article entitled "Teri Hatcher, Totally Nude!" just to see how many gullible deviants he could lure to the TeeVee page.

It seemed like such a clever thing to do. Until model Netizen mailto:ghost@golden.net set us straight about the tremendous human cost of Knauss' little prank:

I just thought that i would write you to comment on your article. I found it to be quite amusing but, more to the point, totally useless! What do you expect to accomplish with a page so in frequently visited that the only way you can get traffic is to falsely advertise nude pictures of Teri Hatcher?

And being referred to as a deviant i find offensive in the extreme! I am a 21 year old male college student, who likes to drink, play sports, and get laid. I think that my tastes in women are fine and think that Teri Hatcher is exquisite, so if you have a problem with that i personally couldnt give a shit.

Thank you, and fuck you


Naturally, this was a sobering blow for those of us who do not like to drink, play sports and get laid. What cads we must appear to be. Here was ghost@golden.net, taking time off from his busy schedule of drinking, playing sports and getting laid to indulge in a little Internet-induced masturbatory fantasy, and what does he find on our Web page? Hatred. Scorn. And not one dirty photo of Teri Hatcher to toss off to.

I tell you, we should all be whipped for pissing on ghost@golden.net's parade.

(And as if we needed any more indication of what a swell guy ghost@golden.net happens to be, he was thoughtful enough to send us a follow-up note, taunting us for a typographical error on our Web site. Drinker, sports enthusiast and onanist? That's our Renaissance man, ghost@golden.net!)

All of this would be bad enough had not 2nd_Glance@msn.com dropped us a line in response to yet another article by the thrice-damned Greg Knauss. In "Put a Little Holiday in Your Throat," the despicable, non-drinking, non-sport-loving Knauss ruminated about a Target commercial featuring chubby country music sensation Le Ann Rimes, who sings a merry little ditty while Looney Tunes characters line dance. Knauss, from what we understand, did not particularly care for the commercial.

"No," Greg Knauss wrote as he no doubt cackled with glee, "the worst part of the ad is the damned song that Rimes, the pudgy female country singer, sings. I have no idea how it actually goes, but it's lodged in my brain like some gigantic, jagged kidney stone and has been for a month."

Knauss probably thought he was being oh-so-funny. But those words stung like a dagger in the heart of 2nd_Glance@msn.com:

Before you go around bashing sweet little innocent true-heart country singer Le Ann Rimes, I'd shut up and take a look at how much the world loves her! And not just by country music lovers. Her album has gone triple-platinum in the US. and Australia, Platinum in Europe, and gold in Canada! --all in less then 6 months. She's made more money on her first album alone then you'll ever see in your life time! If you don't particularly care for something, we don't really give a crap! Don't try sharing your negative opinions with the world, we really don't care! Especially when you don't know a thing in the world about her! Keep your opinions to yourself!

~Le Ann's best friend

2nd_Glance@msn.com is absolutely right, except when he contends that Le Ann Rimes has made more money than we'll ever see -- our elaborate pension fund and employee profit-sharing plan should see to that! But we certainly had no right to criticize Le Ann Rimes or mock any chubby, 14-year-old country western singer or indeed hold any opinions contrary to those of 2nd_Glance@msn.com, who by virtue of being Le Ann's best friend is much, much cooler than us.

So we sat down and took another look at the Target commercial, and do you know what? It's not the piece of over-commercialized, mind-numbing tripe we originally thought it was. Rather, it's a tender plea for peace and understanding that Australians, Canadians and Europeans the world over can embrace. Even if Le Ann Rimes is chubby.

Well, those responsible for these heinous transgressions -- namely, Knauss -- will be punished accordingly. To that end, we've sentenced him to searching through the World Wide Web on a desperate mission to find nude photos of Le Ann Rimes for our good buddy, ghost@golden.net. Repenting for two sins with one stone, as it were.

And keep those cards and letters coming, kids!

Additional contributions to this article by: Philip Michaels.


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