Son of TeeVee MailbagA quick glance at the ol' TeeVee Archive might give one the impression that we have an unhealthy fascination with one Tori Spelling, the alluring, lumpy-headed ingenue from Beverly Hills, 90210 and countless NBC movies with the word "mother" in the title. In "Tori Spelling, Pathfinder," we suggested that Tori Spelling stars in many a bad TeeVee movie. In "Tori With A Cause," we posited that not only does Tori Spelling star in many a bad TeeVee movie, but that she's none too attractive to boot. And in "Girls! Girls! Girls!" we reaffirmed the previous two opinions with the caveat that daddy Aaron is responsible for making many bad television programs.
Did we cross a line somewhere? Perhaps. But it's a tough business, being truth-tellers, and if it means hurling vicious and ugly slander to crush into a fine paste the hopes and dreams of a lantern-jawed young woman whose only crime has been to offend our delicate sensibilities, then so be it and pass the mallets.
But enough's enough. At least, that's what "Akiberg01" probably said after reading Pete Ko's magnum opus "It Takes A Mansion..." in which Pete goes out on a limb and concludes that Tori and fellow Spelling spawn, Randy, have careers only because father Aaron (not to be confused with Father Dowling or Father Murphy) wills it to be so.
This horrid slur being to much to bear, Akiberg01 wrote:
The illiterate ramblings of a lobotomized half-wit? Yet another example of the failings of our public school system? Or just a desperate plea for help from a wayward dolt with a keyboard?
That's what we thought at first, until we gave Akiberg01's epistle a second glance. It was then that we realized we were gazing at a poem, in the non-linear tradition of e.e. cummings, a fabliau about tolerance, compassion and the heartache and struggles faced by a woman who grew up the daughter of a disproportionately wealthy TeeVee producer.
Let's take a look at Akiberg01's sonnet line by line:
you onlyno what you read she was the nicest person in the / word
Akiberg01 begins with a blistering indictment of the reader for callously condemning Tori without first walking a mile in her patent leather shoes. By craftily using "word" instead of the more appropriate "world," the poetess is able to construct an image of Tori Spelling as Christ figure.
she did everything for the people she cared about she is / not effected by her fame and is humble about everything
The Christ metaphor continues, as Akiberg01 recounts Tori's numerous good works and miracles, her tireless devotion to doing "everything" and her commitment to remain un-"effected" and "humble."
everyone gives her shit for who she is,but the fact of the / matter is she was lucky enough to be born into the family she / was.
Truer words were never spoken. What if Tori were born into a family of shoe salesmen or a band of traveling gypsies? Our cultural tapestry would be the lesser for it, we can assure you.
everyone talking shit is jelious(can't spell) and whis the / were her
After once again condemning the reader for prejudging the saintly Tori by comparing to "jelly," Akiberg01 makes a stunning personal confession about her own life -- "can't spell" -- a theme to be explored in previous poems "The spelings r rilly neet" and "I hav a brane the size ofa pea."
Randy is in the same boat he is humble and would / help anyone. write back if you would like to discuss her. I / know first hand.
Here the poem unravels, as Akiberg01 tries to lump Randy Spelling into the same class as his sainted sister, Tori. But this is just nonsense -- Randy is a talentless toad. Akiberg01 then concludes by revealing the depths of her own depravity as an authority on all things Tori. The world can only tolerate so many scholars of Spelling-ology, after all, and sadly for Akiberg01, we grade on spelling.
But the question remains, have we been too hard on Tori? Are we jealous of her phenomenal success on a second-tier show on a third-rate network? Are we just a bunch of bastards?
And the answers are no, no and yes.
We have no problem with Tori's abominable lack of acting ability. Many untalented people make millions of dollars for no appreciable reason every day. And no, we're not upset that Pops Spelling keeps landing her acting gigs. Would that our fathers line us up cushy jobs!
But what we cannot accept is an alarming leitmotif that appears in every Tori Spelling TeeVee movie, every episode of 90210, even in "Troop Beverly Hills," is the idea that no man can resist the charms of the siren Spelling. Men have fought over her, killed for her, agreed to loans at two points above the prime rate -- all to win a loving glance for Tori's bug-eyes or to plant sweet kisses on her humongous jawbone.
And that is simply unacceptable...
Additional contributions to this article by: Philip Michaels.
Got a comment? Mail us at email@example.com.