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Bastard Stepchild of TeeVee Mailbag

We have to admit, we were feeling a little listless here at the ol' TeeVee Mailbag bunker. The spring was missing from our step. The pizazz had gone out of our lives. We found ourselves eating day-old pizza and flipping aimlessly around our 54-channel universe until we finally spent an entire afternoon watching reruns of Maude and sighing discontentedly.

That was until kbd93@dial.pipex.com came into our lives to brighten our day. He writes:

Hey - why do you give Tori Spelling such a hard time? We British think she is cool, maybe its because she is very rich -- no need for to be jealous is there.....

We can't explain the joy, the unspeakable uprising of joy in our collective hearts once we got a good look see at kbd93@dial.pipex.com's little missive. Because it gave us hope. It gave us renewed energy. It gave us one more chance to hurl invective at the damnable Tori Spelling. And that, in and of itself, is a reason to carry on.

Let's address the points kbd93@dial.pipex.com brings up in his correspondence one by one.

why do you give Tori Spelling such a hard time?

To summarize no less than a thousand earlier articles, she's not very talented, she's mooching off her rich old man, she's kind of funny looking and most importantly, she knows she sucks but still cashes the checks. And of course, we asked Tori out to our junior prom and she turned us down.

We British think she is cool

We're still trying to figure out what kbd93@dial.pipex.com meant here. Has he been appointed the spokesman for all British everywhere? Or is he merely referring to himself and his little Limey pals? Or is he, in fact, using the royal "we?" If this is the case, does that mean kbd93@dial.pipex.com himself is a member of royalty? And if the answer there is yes, is it safe to assume that kbd93@dial.pipex.com is as horribly inbred as the other members of the British crown?

maybe its because she is very rich

Given the fact that the Labor Party is now back in control, this rationale doesn't surprise us all too much.

no need for to be jealous is there.....

We can only assume kbd93@dial.pipex.com is doing his world-renowned Yoda impersonation here.

kbd93@dial.pipex.com's logic is hard for us to follow. His reasoning seems to be The British, or at least whatever percentage of the British kbd93@dial.pipex.com represents, are quite smitten with Tori Spelling. And if it's good enough for the British, the thinking goes, it should be good enough for the likes of us Yanks. But that disregards the simple fact, we fought the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812 for no other reason than to ignore whatever it is the British think.

Or to put it in the Queen's English for kbd93@dial.pipex.com, sod off, you wanker.

More troublesome was a seemingly innocent request from Lillulu00@aol.com, who suggested:

you should have stuff about people on TGIF on fridays ch. 7. Especially the hot guys like ****JASON FROM STEP BY STEP***** and sean from boy meets world

Our first reaction was, "Whoa there, Lillulu00@aol.com! The last time we wrote anything about 'hot guys,' they kicked us out of the Boy Scouts!" And while we're willing to do a good many things for our readers, spending any amount of time watching ABC's TGIF comedies -- also known by its common name of "Shows for Dummies" -- is not one of them.

We were about to write back to Lillulu00@aol.com to tell her "Thanks, but no thanks" when James Collier, a frequent contributor to TeeVee and an even more frequent jackass, beat us to the punch. James has many talents, but sending off e-mail without causing some sort of international incident is not one of them. So, intending to send something for the eyes and ears of us imps at TeeVee only, fuck-knuckle Jimmy instead hit the "reply all" button, meaning his little missive went directly to Lillulu00@aol.com. He wrote:

This msg has given me an idea for something that has nothing to do with TGIf--- I'd like to do a graphic called understanding "Black TV' it would explain the differences between all the shows as well as give definitions on the patois spoken in the shows....

We're not actually sure what brought this on -- and keep in mind, we're very good friends with James. We can only imagine the horrors Lillulu00@aol.com must have felt, opening up her mailbox only to find some kind of weird-ass missive from a massive and demented African-American babbling about Urkel and the Wayans Brothers and that sassy Moesha.

Naturally upset by a seemingly random response to her thoroughly reasonable request for information on "Hot Guys," LilluluOO@aol.com fired back:

well, i'm real glad that i gave you such a GREAT idea.......NOT!!! i could care less about the stupid thing that you're gonna do and i said stuff about JASON and RIDER NOT STUPID SHOWS ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE YOU ASSHOLE

Now, now, young lady. There's no need for that kind of language. Even if our James is a bit of strange duck, there's no call to call the poor man an asshole or parrot a that whole "Great Idea... Not!!!" Wayne's World blather that's been sooooo passe for about three years now or to denounce all shows about black people as "stupid." As we said, we find that Moesha quite sassy.

So now more than ever, every single manjack of us was ready to spurn the potty-mouthed, race-baiting Lillulu00@aol.co -- her and her ill-conceived query for all the data on "hot guys" that we could muster. That was until one of us, in a rare fit of clear thinking paid a visit to Lillulu00@aol.com's member profile on the unspeakably evil America Online service... and quite frankly, we were shocked by what we saw.

Screen Name: Lillulu 00
Member Name: Lauren
Location: Queens N.Y. America (duh!)
Birthdate: I'll tell u ifu get me a present
Sex: Female
Marital Status: Presentlysingle(and not rushing)
Hobbies: Flirting, Partying, Dancing, Being a fershnikit (NOT!!), ***Shopping*** (especially at Mandee's, Screem, Gap, Rainbow, Bang Bang, Ask Alice, and shoe stores.), also hanging out, and finding HOT guys
Computers: Like you really care
Occupation: Pain in the ***, Flirt, School =(
Personal Quote: "Kiss me you fool!"

To be perfectly blunt, this just about broke our collective heart. Here was a girl who, as Cyndi Lauper so eloquently put it once, just wants to have fun. She takes time out from her daily grind of flirting, partying, dancing, shopping at crappy punk kid stores to ask us fer help in her raison d'etre -- finding hot guys -- and what does she get in return? Grief. Scorn. E-mail from Collier.

So consider this our attempt to make amends. We don't pretend this even scratches the surface on the all hot guys available out there for Lillulu00@aol.com's viewing pleasure, but it's a start.


Name: Brandon Call
Show: Step By Step
Character: J.T. Lambert
Description: Beefy, brawny and Hot!
Turn-ons: Long walks in the park, candlelight dinners
Turn-offs: People from Queens

Name: Rider Strong
Show: Boy Meets World
Character: Shawn Hunter
Description: Cute, Cuddly, and Hot!
Turn-ons: The Beach, Surfing, Scuba Diving
Turnoffs: People who think his name makes him sound like a gay porn star; Potty-mouthed girls who like to shop

Name: Jaleel White
Show: Family Matters
Character: Steve Urkel
Description: Tall, Dark, Geeky and Hot!
Turn-ons: Basketball, Action Movies, Spastic stage movement
Turn-offs: Comedic nuance

And you be sure to keep them e-mails a-coming, kids! Unless, of course, what you have to say is lame.

Additional contributions to this article by: Philip Michaels.


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