We watch... so you don't have to.

The 1997 Fall Season Dead Pool: Greg Knauss

I have one of those embarrassing, deeply personal confessions to make, the kind that seem to pop up only on TV, prompted by some mike-toting, country-singing, formerly-mayoral microencephalic geek. It's the sort of thing that anybody with an ounce of sense in their head wouldn't mention out loud because it's likely to prompt normal people to edge away slowing, feeling behind them for the doorknob.

I was in love with Harley Jane Kozak.

She played Mary on Santa Barbara, the soap opera I accidentally addicted myself to, like pain killers, in high school. She was a nun who left her order to marry Mason -- Lane Davies, who would later be sentenced to sit-coms like Woops! and The Crew -- only to be tragically crushed to death beneath a giant, neon "C".

No, really.

This happened while I was wandering around Europe in standard-issue American-tourist powder-blue shorts. I'd convinced my Mom, a patient and generous soul, to tape each episode while I was gone and, upon arriving home, I watched twenty episodes of Santa Barbara in a row. I spent the night I discovered that -- sob -- Mary was no longer with us moody and sullen.

No, really.

I continued to follow Ms. Kozak's career for a while after that, thought I could never bring myself to actually watch anything she appeared in. Charlie Grace, "The Amy Fisher Story," "Side Out," "The Taking of Beverly Hills," all bowel-fouling, cramp-inducing garbage, judging from everything I've heard.

But now, Harely Jane Kozak is starring in her own sitcom -- You Wish -- about a single mom who has her own 2,000-year-old genie in order to cope in the busy, busy '90s.

No, really.

And so it is with a fond memory of times past and a benign, almost fatherly concern that I hope -- even pray -- that this egregious, festering wad of televised excrement is first in line at the slaughterhouse. Good God, does America really need a gender-reversed I Dream of Genie? Wasn't anything learned from "Kazaam"? Isn't it about time that everybody responsible ABC's Friday night kiddie dumb-down fest be rounded up and donated to a Haitian medical school badly in need of supplies for their dissection labs? Hasn't poor, dear Harley been punished enough?

Haven't we all?

#2: Total Security

#3: Over the Top


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