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East Coast Cop Show: $1.99 a Pound

I'd love to watch Brooklyn South -- the latest Stephen Bochco salvo in his eternal war with Dick Wolf and Aaron Spelling for the production of every show on television -- but I'm already dangerously close to my maximum weekly intake of angst-ridden East Coast cops.

Tuesday has a young, good-looking guy fighting crime with an older, non-good-looking guy on the streets of New York in NYPD Blue. Wednesday offers a young, good-looking guy fighting crime with an older, non-good-looking guy on the streets of New York in Law & Order. Friday serves up a bunch of various-aged, various-looking guys fighting crime with other various-aged, various-looking guys on the streets of Baltimore in Homicide. Sunday boasts a young, good-looking guy fighting crime with a young, good-looking non-guy on the streets of Washington, DC in The X Files.

Thursdays -- because, dammit, you've gotta live a little -- feature a young, good-looking guy fighting disease with an older, non-good-looking guy on the streets of Chicago in ER. Call me crazy, but I'll chase you down with a baseball bat while screaming about my mother.

There's an inexplicable chemical synthesis that goes on when you dump a goodly wad of gritty East Coast cityscape into a bucket with two lumps of sullen, moody detective. The resulting goo amounts to what little quality manages to leak from the concrete-entombed toxic waste dumps that we lovingly call the networks.

But vary the formula even slightly and you've got yourself just a sticky mess. Make 'em California cops and you're cleaning Pacific Blue off the walls. Make 'em California ex-cops and you're mopping up Total Security. Make 'em New York cops, but both young and good-looking, and you're wiping New York Undercover out of your mouth. Make 'em aged, hammy crime-solving California lifeguards surrounded by anamatronic sex toys and you're a superstar in Germany.

The networks could create these shows by fill-out form. And in fact, an intensive, month-long investigation has produced absolutely no evidence of this whatsoever, so I had to make one up. But, really, we all know what's going on, don't we?

Enter the show's working title:

Select the location of the show:

New York
New York, Manhattan
New York, Brooklyn
New York, The Bronx
New York, Staten Island
New York, Yonkers
Washington, DC
New York, dammit, New York!
Cabot Cove

Enter the number of protagonists of each type:
 Young, good-looking
 Older, non-good-looking

If the sum is more than two, please explain:

Enter the number of protagonists of each type who will appear naked:
 Young, good-looking
 Older, non-good-looking

If "Older, non-good-looking" is greater than zero, why, for the love of God, why:

Select the method used to refer to suspects:
 Mr. Littlefield

Select the method that the show will be considered "daring":
 Partial nudity
 Foul language
 Edgy cinematography

Enter the number of antagonists of each type:
 Gang members
 Common men, pushed too far
 Alien-engineered genetic nightmares
 Ms. Spelling

Select the method the show should be killed if the critics love it:
 Saturday time-slot
 Wanton neglect
 Incredibly awkward name (EZ Streets, C-16)
 Mandated "very special episodes"
 Pure, arbitrary, capricious whim, ha ha ha ha

So next season, expect six or seven new shows along the lines of Precinct 107: Staten Island, Blue Bronx Blue, and Yonkers Vice. TV Guide's already writing up the blurbs, just based on statistical likelihood. You've been warned.


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