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TeeVee Investigates!

by Greg Knauss - November 24, 1997 12:00 AM

[Pulse-pounding TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team theme music. TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team logo.]

Good evening, Los Angeles! I'm Michael Thompson!

And I'm Anne Edwards!

And tonight, we begin our week-long Team Coverage of local television news and the danger it poses to you. Anne, I was shocked to discover just had bad most local news is!

Shocked, indeed, Michael!

Now, we go -- live -- to Paul O'Brien, a TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team Member, standing in a field somewhere.

[O'Brien standing in a field somewhere.]

Thanks, Michael. I'm standing in a field -- live! -- to demonstrate that location shoots mean absolutely nothing to a story. Back to you, Michael!

It sure looks cold out there, Paul.

It sure is, Michael! And it's raining a little, too!

Thanks, Paul! We'll continue our TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage later in the broadcast.

[Pulse-pounding TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team theme music. TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team logo, with a hand-written spelling correction.]

[Fifteen minutes of video-taped car chases and natural disasters from Tulsa and Orlando. No mention of news occurring locally.]

[Rapidly-becoming-annoying TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team theme music. TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team logo, with a mustache drawn on Edwards.]

And we're back! Anne?

Thanks, Michael! Paul?

Thanks, Anne! Now, we take you to the TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team's Token Minority Member, LaTasha Wong. LaTasha?

Thanks, Paul! You'll be shocked to learn what else the TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team has uncovered in your local news! We went undercover to watch how a local news investigative report is put together. You'll be shocked to find out what we found! And, ah, danger! You!

[Hidden-camera video of Michael Thompson at his desk, picking his nose.]

Local anchors, often pompous and crusading on camera, are little more than TelePrompTer-reading pretty-boys! After shooting this exclusive video of local anchor Michael Thompson rooting around his nose like he's going to find precious metal, we confronted him outside his office.

[Video of Wong running towards Thompson as he emerges from an office building.]

Mr. Thompson! Mr. Thompson! LaTasha Wong, of the TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team!

Get away from me, you bloodsucker!

Isn't it true, Mr. Thompson, that your station's so-called "investigative reports" are little more than callow ratings grabs? That you've never uncovered anything in your life more profound than your privates?

[Thompson's hand covers camera lens.]

I said get away from me!

[Wong in the studio, standing before a large video screen showing the TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team logo, with devil horns drawn on Thompson. She holds a stack of papers importantly.]

In fact, Michael Thompson -- indeed, the entire TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team -- are border-line incompetents, who shouldn't be let anywhere near a newsstand, much less broadcast equipment. This, according to random, anonymous expert, Stan Whits.

[Overweight, balding Whits in a cluttered office.]

They've trod shamelessly over the classic notions of journalism for far too long. They over-use words like "danger" and "you" in order to frighten people into watching, then drag any real information out over five nights to keep them coming back. They never interview some random, anonymous expert for more than four sentences. It's gotten to the point where just hearing their pulse-pounding theme music would send the editor of the Columbia Review of Journalism into a seizure.

[Wong, in the studio.]

Indeed, this is what happened. Danger!

[Video of the editor of the Columbia Review of Journalism, seizing, as the TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team theme music plays.]

Isn't there anything that can be done, LaToya?

That's "LaTasha," Michael.

Whatever.

Unfortunately, the First Amendment to the Constitution protects their right to free speech.

Isn't there a way around this "First Amendment"?

Many experts are trying to find a solution, Michael. Tomorrow, we'll continue our TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team coverage of local television news. You'll be shocked at what else we've found, and the danger it poses to you and your family! Paul?

Thanks, LaTasha! Could you please have someone come pick me up?

Thanks, Paul! Anne?

Thanks, LaTasha! LaTasha?

Thanks, Anne! Michael?

Thanks, LaToya! Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when I'll conclude the broadcast with some aimless rambling about how, gosh darn it, things used to be so much better when I had my little teddy-weddy and we could snuggle down under the covers and the bad people couldn't get us.

Indeed, Michael!

For the entire TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team Action News Team Team, this is Michael Thompson, saying: We may be TelePrompTer-reading pretty-boys, but we make lots and lots of money. Ha ha ha ha. Good night.

[Pulse-pounding TeeVee I-Team Team Coverage Team theme music over video of Thompson beginning to root around in his nose.]

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