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TeeVee Mailbag VIII: Nothin' But Mailbags

The casual reader of this site might get the impression that we here at TeeVee are cruel, heartless, unfeeling bastards. And, really, that would be pretty close to the mark. We spare no quarter and we take no guff in our quest to mock and ridicule all that is crap. We have a low tolerance for idiocy. And, of course, in our spare time we pull the wings off butterflies.

But even a curmudgeon needs to be hugged every now and again, to be told, "There, there, li'l grumpy fella, we appreciate all your hard work, all your whining and carping. Why, without you, who else would point out that Tim Curry is getting fat?"

Such was the tenor of our last mailbag, TeeVee Mailbag VII: When Readers Attack. Fresh off a bruising three-day firefight with a militant offshoot of the Curryite radical group, we took a moment out of our busy schedules to point out that if you readers had so little regard for our efforts at delivering backbreaking piles of comedy, we would just disband the site and put up something more utilitarian--advice on kitty litter, for instance.

The theory being, of course, that if we leaned on the conch shell hard enough, eventually all seven or eight of our heretofore silent, but deeply admiring, readers would come forth and affirm our existence. And it worked!

First out of the forest was one William Gellatly, who wrote to say:

[A] negative opinion on any aspect of tv contains an implicit comment on it's viewership. Perhaps this is the basis for the angry comments supplied by your audience, namely, a subtextual critique of themselves.... Teevee has continually illuminated the idiocy present in commercial television today. If tv's viewership rejects acerbic yet insightful commentary on same, then we deserve the status quo, a perpetuation of idiocy delivered in 5 second doses.

What could we say after such a masterful, intellectually penetrating deconstruction of our raison d'etre, but "He likes us! Billy likes us!"

Next up was Robyn Davis:

It saddens me to think that you at teevee mistakenly believe all your hard work goes unappreciated. Why, many's the morning I roll out of bed and pray fervently, as I head for the treadmill, "Please, PLEASE, let that wacky Peter Ko, crazy Philip Michaels, nutty Jason Snell or zany Greg Knauss (you get the idea) have written something new!"

Dear, dear Robyn. You have us all confused. Michaels is the funny one, Knauss is the cute one, Snell is the quiet one, and Ko... Ko's our Ringo.

Without exception, every time there's something new to be read on teevee, I laugh myself into a tizzy. "Why, they're right," I mutter to myself, "Tori Spelling IS goofy looking! Tim Curry IS a loser who sucks!..."

Then you'll surely look forward to future pieces: "Tim Allen IS a one-trick pony!," "John Lithgow IS a freakishly tall ham!," and "Kirstie Alley IS a scientologist!"

Please, PLEASE, don't let a few whiny loser buttholes like some little bimbo from Texas take your joy of writing away.... You're better off without them!

And better off with readers like you, Robyn. Thus began a flood of cloying TeeVee groupies:

"I love your stuff. Keep it up." --Larry Bacharach

"Visited for the first time this AM and thoroughly enjoyed your articles." -- "TUrbon"

"'Hooray For Kitties' made me laugh out loud." --Pat Dougherty

"Good lord, I wasn't aware that you inspired such ire.... After careful consideration and much thought, though, I can see where they might have a point; on the other hand.... fuck 'em." --Jeffrey Davis

"Your reviews and snide remarks are mesmerizing...." --Mike Walker

And finally:

"Off to Colorado on Sat. morning. Have a great Thanksgiving, and take some videos of the parade for me!!! Love, Gib"

No problem, Gib. We'll be sure to water the chrysanthemums....

Frankly, after such an overwhelming outcry of love, devotion, and idolatry, we couldn't help but feel... well, a bit yucky. Hey, what did you expect? We're curmudgeons. We need to feel curmudgeonly about stuff. All this lovey-dovey nonsense, it dulls our senses. Why, just the other day we accidentally stumbled across an episode of Jenny and the only thing we could say was, "Mmmm, silicon...."

Which is why we thank God that it was at that point Tammy Arlen parachuted in fresh off her recent lobotomy.

I must strongly disagree with you about your harsh and unwarranted cynicism about the beautifully done show Meego.

[I]t seems to me that your Peter Ko writer has some kind of personal vendeta with Bronson Pinchot. Bronson is a sweet man and a true comedian.... He has been an almost constant companion in our living room for many years now and we are among the millions of people who will be very sorry to see him disappear from our television screens.

You probably laughed when you heard your writing had gotten Meego canceled and that those of us in Middle America are going to be forced to watch trashy shows now. But not so fast. I and my husband have started the MEEGOMANIACS! a group dedicated to saving this wonderful show. It will not be an easy task, trying to overcome the arguments of family-hating so-called writers like yourselves, but I know we can succeed.

We have received several dozen hits on our website already, even though it has only been up for a couple days. With support like that, CBS will beforced to listen to us. Hopefully, they will choose family over the cynical views of professional critics such as yourselves.

Tammy Arlen President of the MEEGOMANIACS

Needless to say, we were speechless... especially our Peter Ko writer, which has been on the fritz of late. Don't get us wrong: we were more than pleased to hear that we helped CBS give ol' Meego and his spiky-haired imp a fat kick in the ass out of fame and fortune's door. We just had no idea that we wielded such power. And if we do, why we haven't abused it more in the past--to put Murphy Brown out of its misery, say, or to consummate our inevitable union with Carmen Electra.

But nothing prepared us for what landed in our mailboxes next, from Jane Curtis:

Dear sirs,
I am a viewer that cares about quality family television. There is far too much trash out there today, shows like "Married With Children" and "Mad About You" that celebrate dysfucntion in families, that laugh at the traditional man-woman marriage and the sacred duty of raising children.

Apparently this refers to a future Mad About You story arc in which Paul and Ira have a fling, and Jamie trades the baby for a vial of crack.

As Dr. Emmet Hill, a professor of Morality and Broadcast Television from Liberty University says, "There is a celebration of evil and just plain old apathy on television today. Can you imagine our forefathers being entertained by the likes of 'Baywatch,' a show that obscenely flaunts human sexuality,...

Well, in the case of Thomas Jefferson, yes.

...or a program like 'Sabrina the Teenage Witch,' a critical part of ABC's so-called family shows that is about a witch?"

A witch?!? That's as bad as a show about... an alien!!!

With all of the destruciton of American values present today, I was one of millions and millions of fans delighted to see the CBS show "Meego."... Why your group of writers was determined to get "Meego" canceled is a mystery to me.

It's a mystery no more: Bronson Pinchot sucks!

The prospect of a warm family show such as "Meego" or "Full House" seems to scare you while the anti-family programs such as "The Simpsons" is the only thing to draw your praise.

That's because The Simpsons appeals to clever bastards like ourselves, while Meego and Full House only appeal to noodle-brained saps--like you.

I for one refuse to accept this cancellation lying down. Myself and thousands of other MEEGOMANIACS across the country are dedicated to bringing the show back.

Oh goodness, please don't say you're going to march....

If it destroys your reputations as cutting-edge television writers, then that's a price we're willing to pay.

You heartless fiends!

We can only hope the Meegomaniacs' motto is: "We put the 'egomaniac' in 'Meegomaniacs!'"

Perhaps for once, you could see the logic in your readers' thinking and throw your support behind us....

Logic? Logic? We'd sooner throw bricks at your skull.

Good day,
Your signature
Thanks for helping us. Remember to change the signature
and add your own Meegomaniac number. In the title box of
your e-mail write "MEEGOMANIACS will be heard!"
Then send it it teevee@intertext.com.
Keep checking our web page
http://members.aol.com/arlnfmly/index.html for updates
on how you can save MEEGO! Tammy and Al Arlen

Ah, the Internet. Giving every twit with a keyboard access to the world. Ain't it great?

Additional contributions to this article by: Peter Ko.


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