We watch... so you don't have to.

An Open Letter to "South Park"

Editor's Note: Gregg Wrenn is not actually a parent, although he claims to be married to Sarah Michelle Gellar and the father of the Olsen twins. We have shown this piece to his team of psychiatrists, who assured us they will increase his medication immediately.

--The Vidiots

Dear Mr. Parker and Mr. Stone,

I am writing to you on behalf of the parents of America. Since you probably don't have children and therefore wouldn't know, our children are our most important natural resource. Which is why I'm so ashamed to see them fouled by the likes of poison television such as the kind you produce.

South Park is in my mind, without a doubt, the most offensive program on the air in TV history. Why can't you people create a nice cartoon, something like He-Man or even Johnny Quest? As a parent, I can tell my kids "Johnny Quest is someone to look up to, to model your life after."

I am not the only one who thinks this show is a danger to our children and our future. In a recent issue of Newsweek magazine they featured a story about your show. A woman named Peggy Charren who works for Action for Children's Television said that South Park is "dangerous to the democracy." How right she is. Not only do I never see your children give the Pledge of Allegiance while in class, but the way Cartman talks leads me to believe he is a Bolshevik.

Didn't you hear way out there in Hollywood? We won the Cold War! Communism is no longer a threat to our way of life. It would be nice to see that you acknowledge this fact and perhaps acknowledge the free system of capitalism that got you to be so rich like you are today.

But it's not just Commie pinkos I'm worried about here; it's children's role models. I would never tell my kids to be fat and foul-mouthed like your lead character Cartman. Johnny Quest never swears and is able to save the world. The other children you display are rarely any better role models. Both Stan and the Jewish one are repeatedly saying things that would make a sailor blush.

And I don't see why it's necessary to put in a poor immigrant like that child in a hood. He doesn't even speak English! How is that funny or decent? Although I'm sure you're having him say all sorts of nasty things in whatever language he's speaking. Maybe I will write a letter to the FCC and demand they get a translator for that language to help clean up your show. I do not want my children learning dirty words in any language!

For instance, just the other day, my son asked for a dildo for his birthday. Shocked and agog, I asked him where he had learned about that. He said Cartman had one, so he wanted one too. I asked him if he knew what it was. He said "I think it's like a special digital sports watch, right?" I told him no, it's slang for a chocolate chip cookie, so my wife made him a special batch of her big chocolate chip cookies. He went to school that day and told all of his teachers that he had a whole bunch of his mother's biggest dildos and asked if they would like some of them! He's only 15 -- how am I supposed to tell him that dildo means a woman's breast? He's not ready for that kind of intimate knowledge!

My children are 15 and 13 and are beginning to struggle with the bad urges that happen to children that age. They certainly don't need any more encouragement from the likes of you Hollywood-hepcat playboys telling them that base compulsions like swearing and making sweet, sweet love down by the fire are ok.

A gifted person who demonstrates the kind of pro-family message this nation needs more of is Kathie Lee Gifford. And what did you do to her in your show? You tried to kill her! This woman is God's gift to parents everywhere. When the time comes for my children to have children of her own, we are going to have a long talk and I'll tell them how Kathie Lee is the woman I look up to for parental guidance. Yet you wrote a show about your deranged elementary school teacher calling her a bitch and trying to kill her. Is that any way to treat a woman who was given one of this country's highest honors by being asked to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl?

Also in the Newsweek article was a quote from a girl who said, "When my dad comes in I change channels," she says. "He's, like, all Christian and stuff, and one time he gave me a big lecture about how bad the show was for me." Shame on you for encouraging lying to parents! You have this nice Christian man with a daughter who is on the verge of becoming a lying heathen because of your show. I hope that weighs heavily upon your heads.

Why do you never have your characters attending church? It seems to me that would be a perfectly respectable thing to do to help smooth out your relations with the parents of America. I realize it may not be the "rad" thing to do out there in "dope" California, but those of us here in the middle of the country still believe in God, despite what you atheists think in your obviously anti-God TV shows.

South Park is not the only anti-God show, don't worry. The X-Files has had numerous devil episodes, even one, I think, where the man and the woman from the FBI join a Satanic cult and worship Satan! Realistic as it may be, this is way too far to go for entertainment. Sabrina the Teenage Witch is about a witch! On an major network at an early hour where kids can see it easily! It's gotten so bad that I successfully spearheaded a local campaign to ban witch costumes at Halloween.

Apparently you have already managed to brainwash some of the weaker-minded parents, according to Newsweek. One of them, the mother of a 14-year old, said "I understand that kids have to learn to filter things for themselves. Hopefully it's not going to corrupt him." Obviously, the show has already corrupted the parent; can the child be far behind? Before you know it, she'll be teaching her kids about condoms and encouraging him to go have sex with as many trollops as he can find. I weep for this nation's future.

You apparently have no concerns about our children's future, however. If you were parents, you would realize that in today's fast-paced, high-tech world most parents have very little time to actually pay attention to our kids. Am I supposed to be able to monitor my children's viewing habits while still working and watching my own TV shows as well? Especially if I have to take time out of each day to write letters such as this one. I could be reading to my children or playing with them or helping with their homework, yet here I sit in front of a computer, trying to convince you to give up your filthy habits while my children sit enraptured by the TV, sucking up more poison and ignoring the good shows like Touched by an Angel that I know will give them a head start on life.

Television was designed to be a babysitter for our children. Yet you treat it as your own personal playground, creating nothing but cheap entertainment. I shudder to think of what you would turn Sesame Street into. Please, for the sake of our kids, stop making South Park.


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