Six Angry Men: The Vidiots On Commercials
April 23: Philip Michaels
April 24: Gregg Wrenn
April 25: Ben Boychuk
April 26: Greg Knauss
April 27: Jason Snell
May 1: A Loyal Reader
The point is, you're sitting there, perfectly comfortable, eating your Fritos or your Twinkies or what have you, and just couldn't be more content with the world and your place in it. Just you and the TV and its warm, loving glow -- truly a moment to cherish.
Which is about the time that Dr. Benton or Ally or Xena and her little friend Gabrielle fade from the screen, and you're left watching a commercial -- and not one of those clever commercials with the talking frogs, either. We're talking about a commercial that assaults the mind and batters the soul with the ferocity of a Marvin Hagler uppercut. The kind of a commercial that leaves the living envying the dead.
Sure, you could quickly change the channel... but what if that's not an option? What if the remote has fallen in between the couch cushions and you can't find it in time? What if getting up to change the channel increases the risk of spelling your Fritos or your Twinkies or your what have you? What if you're just too damned lazy? What happens then?
Agony, that's what. Sheer, unrelenting agony. Because like a bear trap slamming down on your right tibia, a bad commercial seizes hold of you and won't let go. Its catchy slogan haunts your dreams. Its jingle rattles around in your brain. And it will continue to do all of this until you bang your head repeatedly on the TV, eventually smashing your head through the screen and impaling yourself on the electron gun.
And we hate to see that happen to anyone.
We here at TeeVee started this Web site for one reason and one reason only -- to meet chicks. And when that didn't work out, we devised another, somewhat less lofty goal -- to protect you people from yourselves.
Because there's a lot of bad things out there today, kids. Nasty, unspeakable things that your parents probably never imagined could be shown in decent society when they gathered in front of their TV sets back in the day to watch The Ed Sullivan Show or Father Knows Best. Nasty things like murder and violence. Gratuitous sex. Fran Drescher as spokeswoman for 3 Musketeers. The WB.
We'll stop right there. This is a family Web site.
And the road to this Gomorrah is paved with the truly awful commercials -- advertisements so bad they make us long for a brutal, repressive military regime to install a centrally planned economy that utter ravages the free market. Just so we'll never have to hear that damnable Fran Drescher say "But it's so chocolatey" in her Queens brogue again.
That's the kind of fate that nobody deserves, but without eternal vigilance, it could happen here. So we Vidiots got together and scoured the airwaves for what we can say, without fear of contradiction, are the worst ads on television today. These commercials are the worst of the worst, the flies buzzing around the dung pile, the Fred Grandy to the rest of the cast of The Love Boat.
And we post them here with this simple warning -- Beware. For there will come a time when you are enjoying a seemingly wonderful evening of television, and these ads will suddenly leap out of the mire to capture your very soul. And when that happens, look away. Change the channel. Hit the mute button. Fall to the fetal position and beginning whimpering like a frightened schoolgirl. Anything. Because if you look directly at these commercials, you will go blind and be turned into stone.
At least, there's a pretty fair chance that might happen.
So read on, brave TeeVee patron. And no, there's no need to thank us for our selfless sacrifice. Everything we do, as Canuck pop star Bryan Adams once crooned, we do it all for you.
And to meet chicks. But that point has already been established.
Additional contributions to this article by: Philip Michaels.
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