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Heart of Darkness

You know the world ain't right when "Weird Al" Yankovic doesn't look weird anymore. I recently took a gander at his latest music video, a parody of "Star Wars" called "The Saga Begins."

Surprise! Gone are the geeky glasses and the long black jeri-curl tresses that marked the look for most of his career. Now he sports a look that is more streamlined and flattering, and as I watched, I found myself saying aloud: "Y'know, Weird Al is not a bad-looking guy."

Like the once-gangly Jenny Jones guest whose body has metamorphosized into that of a curvaceous exotic dancer, Yankovic's time has come.

And then I shuddered, as a chill of darkness and fear shot up my spine. Because after all, I was talking about Weird Al.

It is awkward moments like these which force me to take stock of my life, to look into the deep recesses of my soul, to seek out those dark places, those fearful places, the parts of me into which I rarely venture. The parts of me that wonder if it is finally time to throw out that "Batdance" record. The part of me that wonders if my desire for a Misfits of Science motion picture is nothing but a pipe dream.

You know. The Dark James.

It is at times like these that I come to certain realizations about myself. They are discoveries so evil and foul that to release them could very well jeopardize the sanity of those around me.

It is then that the voice, that evil and gravelly voice, summons me to my computer and beckons me to write.

I try to fight it, but in the end, I weaken and succumb, and write my deepest and darkest desires...

As much as I despise her, I gotta admit, Kathie Lee Gifford has a really nice rack... Despite my belief that The View's Lisa Ling has an unnaturally large forehead, I want to nail her in the worst way. And when I'm done with Lisa, I'd have my way with Joy Behar, like a sorbet, to clear the sensual palette... It goes without saying I'd nail Meredith Viera... And you know, Starr Jones really carries her weight well... I think The Pretender is an incredibly entertaining show... I know she's only a cartoon, but for a lady who's had three kids, Marge Simpson's body is tight... I shouldn't write this, but Joan Rivers has good legs, the sort I wouldn't mind having wrapped around my body... I wouldn't kick The Practice's Camryn Manheim out of bed for anything... And I gotta say, V.I.P. is a surprisingly well-written show.

Y'know, Jesse Camp's album ain't half-bad. And I don't care what any of you say, Don Johnson's "Heartbeat" was one of the definitive albums of the 1980s... I really miss the fights on Jerry Springer... Kathy Griffin is a thinking man's Vicki Lewis... if you only see one movie this summer, it's gotta be "Notting Hill"... Every time he does a makeover episode, Maury Povich is at the top of his game... Maybe I'm getting old, but sometimes I find myself tearing up at the end of Touched By an Angel... And did I mention that I think Ricki Lake has a nice ass?

I really like Roseanne's talk show. It's funny, it's fresh, she has great chemistry with her guests, and for reasons I don't wish to discuss, I find her short haircut really sexy... I really think the fans of Another World got royally screwed... And that Linda Dano is a hell of a looker... Every once in a while, I find myself wistfully reminiscing about Bat-Mite.

Y'know, it's true, everything you need to know about life you can be learned from watching Starsky & Hutch... Always carry a pencil... Sometimes you can't be ready. You've just gotta do.... Rattlesnakes don't come from refrigerators!... Just try to stay alive... Don't make your partner choose between his car and you.... And the car was candy-apple red, you bastards! I really like those cooking shows... If you take a good look at her, Martha Stewart is one handsome woman... It's official: I have Pokemon Fever... Unhappily Ever After, in my humble opinion, was an under-rated sitcom... Fred and Ben Savage are the most talented brothers this side of the Baldwins... If more people listened to Mother Love, this world would surely be a better place... Heterosexual or no, Ricky Martin is one hunky fella.

There, I said it. I feel so unclean.


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