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Negro For Sale: Sold!

CBS acquires Negro in Record-Setting Online Auction
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Entertainment Headlines

Monday November 15 10:26 AM ET

CBS acquires Negro in Record-Setting Online Auction

LOS ANGELES-- In what analysts are calling the most successful online auction of a Negro to date, the CBS television network has purchased James Collier from the internet website TeeVee.

While the details of CBS' winning bid were not disclosed, it estimated that the deal, which includes cash and stock, is in the range of $12-17 million.

"I feel like I've just won the lottery," said a beaming TeeVee Editor Jason Snell at a joint CBS-TeeVee press conference. "If we had known Collier was worth this much coin, we'd have sold his black ass a long time ago. In fact, we've already started fielding offers for Peter Ko, who, I'd like to add, comes from very good Chinese stock."

At the press conference, CBS CEO Les Moonves hailed the acquisition of Mr. Collier as "groundbreaking."

"We knew we'd have stiff competition from the other networks, but thanks to our aggressive package we were able to seal the deal," he said.

Moonves, when asked about CBS' plans for Collier, said, "First, I'd like to announce we have legally changed Mr. Collier's name to 'Toby.' Second, as for our plans for him, we feel that the best return on our company's investment in Toby would be gained by putting him out to stud."

And if Mr. Collier gets out of line?

"You let me worry about that," chuckled CBS chief operating officer Mel Karmazin, brandishing a bullwhip.

Moonves bristled when a reporter charged that the sale of Collier was nothing more than a high-tech slave auction.

"I resent your use word of the 'slave'," Moonves said, "We see this more as a case of high-tech indentured servitude. Mr. Collier -- Toby -- will be used as we use every other writer. And if he tries to run, we'll break his ankles. Standard procedure."

CBS's acquisition pushes the percentage of writers who are black at the network up from 1.4 percent to 2 percent. Said Moonves, "This is proof positive we are dedicated to this cause."

"This is a great day for diversity," NAACP President Kwami Mfune said in a statement released to the press. "It's wonderful to see Hollywood to finally learn to embrace the talented people in our community."

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