Monday November 15 10:26 AM ET
CBS acquires Negro in Record-Setting Online Auction
LOS ANGELES-- In what analysts are calling the most
successful online auction of a Negro to date, the CBS
television network has purchased James Collier from
the internet website TeeVee.
While the details of CBS' winning bid were not
disclosed, it estimated that the deal, which includes
cash and stock, is in the range of
"I feel like I've just won the lottery," said a
TeeVee Editor Jason Snell at a joint CBS-TeeVee press
conference. "If we had known Collier was worth this
much coin, we'd have sold his black ass a long time
ago. In fact, we've already started fielding offers
for Peter Ko, who, I'd like to add, comes from very
good Chinese stock."
At the press conference, CBS CEO Les Moonves hailed
the acquisition of Mr. Collier as "groundbreaking."
"We knew we'd have stiff competition from the other
networks, but thanks to our aggressive package we
were able to seal the deal," he said.
Moonves, when asked about CBS' plans for Collier, said,
"First, I'd like to announce we have legally changed
Mr. Collier's name to 'Toby.' Second, as for our
plans for him, we feel that the best return on our company's
investment in Toby would be gained by putting him out to stud."
And if Mr. Collier gets out of line?
"You let me worry about that," chuckled CBS chief operating
officer Mel Karmazin, brandishing a bullwhip.
Moonves bristled when a reporter charged that the sale
of Collier was nothing more than a high-tech slave
"I resent your use word of the 'slave'," Moonves said,
"We see this more as a case of high-tech indentured
servitude. Mr. Collier -- Toby -- will be used as we
use every other writer. And if he tries to run, we'll
break his ankles. Standard procedure."
CBS's acquisition pushes the percentage of writers
who are black at the network up from 1.4 percent to 2
percent. Said Moonves, "This is proof positive we are
dedicated to this cause."
"This is a great day for diversity," NAACP President
Kwami Mfune said in a statement released to the press.
"It's wonderful to see Hollywood to finally learn to
embrace the talented people in our community."