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A Piece That Will Live in Infamy

I have to face it -- I don't think I'm going to be famous.

People aren't going to be wondering what I'll be wearing to the Oscars, gossiping about what model I've been canoodling with at some hoity-toity bistro, and there probably won't be a magazine spread of me glamorously lounging in my Beverly Hills pied de terre.

The most an ordinary schmoe like myself can hope for is to be infamous. Like Joey Buttafuoco. Or Monica Lewinsky. Or, God help me, John Wayne Bobbitt.

If you haven't connected the dots yet, the only way people like me ever get any notoriety is by doing something incredibly stupid in the public spotlight, like Rick Rockwell, Mr. Multi-Millionare from Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?

And believe me, as Mr. Rockwell is finding out, infamy is never pretty.

Because if a thing like that happens to me, I'll have to go on TV to smooth things over and explaining why I did something so incredibly stupid.

And of course, in doing so, I will end up looking even more stupid.

And as this infamous character I'll have to deal with the media looking into my background and finding all of the other incredibly stupid things I've done. And when you've done something incredibly stupid, anyone you've ever known will turn on you.

Oh, yeah, I can see it now. There's Mom on Extra talking about the time she caught me humping a throw pillow. There's my ex-roommate on 20/20 talking about the time he caught me peeing in the kitchen sink.

And course I'll have to go on the Today show and discuss these new revelations. And as I attempt to explain away the incidents as "acts of youthful indiscretion" or "bad judgement calls," I'll end up looking even more incredibly stupid.

Of course, I'll have to endure the Jay Leno jokes making fun of the incredibly stupid things I've done. And Letterman's gonna have to get his shots in. And the kids from Saturday Night Live are gonna have to get a piece of me. (At least it'll give Tim Meadows some work.) And the ladies from The View aren't going to take too kindly to me and incredibly stupid stuff I've done.

I mean, humping a pillow and peeing in the kitchen sink -- there's no spin doctor in the world who's gonna want to touch that.

Now if the incredibly stupid things I've done touch a public nerve, Ted Koppel will have to gather incredibly-stupid experts and discuss how I could get away with something so incredibly stupid, and ponder the effect my incredibly stupid actions will have other incredibly stupid people.

Which will make me look even more incredibly stupid.

Of course I'll attempt to cash in on my infamy by appearing in a series of incredibly stupid commercials and making light of my incredibly stupid actions.

And of course, in doing so, I'll end up looking even more stupid.

But dammit, I'll be famous!


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