Who Wants to Marry a Vidiot?
Do you consider bitterness and cynicism attractive qualities?
Do think the extra weight a man carries is "just more to love?"
Would you agree to sign a prenuptial agreement?
And finally, and most importantly, are you physically and genetically a woman?
If you can answer "yes" to all of these questions then you might have what it takes to marry a Vidiot! Taking a page from Fox's Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?, we're giving our female readers a chance to share a night of wedded bliss with a couple of the fellas from TeeVee! But unlike the folks at Fox, we're going the extra mile -- because not only will you marry a Vidiot, but you'll also receive a fast Nevada divorce, all in the same day!
Because most of the Vidiots are spoken for, we have two eligible bachelors -- Vidiots James Collier and Gregg Wrenn. Now, we don't want ruin their chances of finding a mate, but we should warn you, they have rather...interesting views about marriage:
James: "James likes watching sensitive TV shows like Judging Amy and Once and Again. Eating Swanson TV Dinners by candlelight. Puppies, kittens, and the laughter of children. Cuddling and sharing thoughts and feelings with a special lady. Sunsets. Long and romantic walks on the beach. And sodomy."
Gregg: "I like eating Dinty Moore Beef Stew out of the can while watching reruns of The Dukes of Hazzard, football, NASCAR, the gregarious company of men, and chicks with big titties. Oh yeah, and all that fuckin' romantic stuff Collier said, that's goes double for me."
James: "It's important that James and his special lady keep the lines of communication open. If she has certain fantasies...about, say, a three-way, James wants to know."
Gregg: "Hey man, I'm fuckin' just looking for warm body."
James: "James needs to know she's gonna be there. If she says she'll tape Star Trek: Voyager for him, James needs to know she's gonna follow through. If she can't do something as simple that, what the hell did James marry her for?"
Gregg: "I don't want her touching my fuckin' truck. Or messing with the fuckin' settings on my stereo. Or fuckin' rearranging any of my DVDs. And she better keep her fuckin' claws off of the controls for my satellite dish. Other than that, I'd totally trust her fuckin' judgement, man."
James: "James likes it when a woman gets a little freaky. Like going to work and wearing no panties and calling him up and telling him about it. Yeah, James likes that."
Gregg: "If she's got the plumbing, I'll do the plunging. Fuckin'-A!"
Are You Worthy of James' and Greg's Love?
1. E-mail a photograph of yourself in a swimsuit and a 250-word essay explaining why you would be the perfect mate for James Collier or Gregg Wrenn to email@example.com.*
2. After we've suitably mocked all entrants, six finalists will be chosen.**
3. The six finalists will be flown to Las Vegas for an evening of boozing and gambling with James and Gregg. The next morning, both Vidiots will choose their brides and marry them in a cheap Las Vegas chapel.***
4. After the marriage has been consummated (but not before Gregg has cheated on his bride with one of the other finalists), winners will be served with divorce papers and a restraining order.
Don't Wait! Enter Today!!!!!!
* Entries and photographs become the property of TeeVee.
** All finalists must provide a birth certificate stating they are 18 years
or older, as well as a notarized letter from a doctor stating that they are
*** James reserves the right to choose more than one bride because, in his words,
"James has more love than just one woman can handle!"
** All finalists must provide a birth certificate stating they are 18 years or older, as well as a notarized letter from a doctor stating that they are "clean."
*** James reserves the right to choose more than one bride because, in his words, "James has more love than just one woman can handle!"
Got a comment? Mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.