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Homicidal Maniac

So I hear from some Homicide fan or another that Clark Johnson, who played Meldrick, and Toni Lewis, who played Stivers, are tending bar at Kooper's, a bar that's across from the building best known as the Homicide stationhouse on March 7th for a Mardi Gras party. Cool! If only I could be in Baltimore that night....

Then I hear that Jon Seda (Falsone) and Callie Thorne (Ballard) might also show up. Well, so much for a perfect evening.

Some fans (myself included) had some fun in the Homicide newsgroup speculating about which props we'd want if we could have anything from the show. It was all fun and games until people started claiming Kellerman's jeans and locks of Kay Howard's hair.

Then I started hearing rumors of a sale of Homicide props and wardrobe; I figured some public daydreaming had led to a rumor with some serious legs. But finally we get confirmation that the sale's for real and it starts on Thursday.

The sick thing is, I find myself sitting at home trying to puzzle out a way I could conceivably get Thursday, Friday, and Monday off and scrape together the money to fly from Minneapolis to Baltimore and supplement that money with money to buy what amounts to used clothing or office furniture simply because it appeared on a TV show that I love.

C'mon, I could have Meldrick's desk for merely $25! Oh wait, it's a big old ugly metal desk and I'd need a U-Haul and.... Or maybe the table, complete with handcuffs, from The Box.

Okay, it's just not feasible. So I bypass the idea of flying down and save my money. Instead, I decide to track down someone who will be in Baltimore and have them buy stuff for me. I post a plea to the Homicide newsgroup, asking someone who's going there to buy me something, anything.

But the risks, the risks...I hope to God no one buys me a pair of Falsone's pants or something. Oh, make me puke.

And how do I explain to my friends and family that I'm basically asking total strangers to buy me "something, anything of Beau's" even if it means I pay $20 (plus shipping) for a shirt with genuine sweatstains from a Baldwin brother?

But is it so wrong that I want Beau's leather jacket? The stuffed giraffe? One of Meldrick's hats? Frank's suspenders? Bayliss' Rubik's Cube? One of Kay's jackets? One of Munch's ties? One of Kellerman's empties? A framed photo of Adena Watson? A trenchcoat, anybody's trenchcoat....

The sick thing is, I could sit here and name countless props or articles of clothing. Really. You don't want to know how long my list of "things it'd be cool to have" is.

Now perhaps I begin to understand what compels fans to turn their living rooms into the bridge of the Enterprise. I have visions of Gee's desk in my office, perhaps some of those old filing cabinets and desk lamps in the corner of my living room. I'd have Godzilla on top of the fridge in my kitchen -- I mean, in my "coffee room." If only NBC hadn't claimed the big white board....

It's just a damned TV show. I gotta get over it. (But c'mon -- you know you want one of Meldrick's hats.)

So I ain't goin' to Baltimore to buy used clothing from Homicide. Nope. And not even to meet Clark Johnson. I shall be strong.

Trip ain't worth it from this far out, not even for Meldrick's brim. (Besides, demand for Meldrick's hats will be enormous -- I can feel it. There'll be carnage, I'm tellin' you. Carnage which will turn friends against each other. Carnage and ridiculous, eBay-style prices. )

Instead, maybe I'll save my money up to buy a custom Ford van like the one on The A-Team. Or for a trip to Hawaii to tour the sites that have appeared on Magnum, P.I.

Or maybe something non-TV related. Maybe.

That's when I get the e-mail from someone who is going to the sale and has offered to try and get something for me. Danger, danger, danger!

Well, perhaps just a little something....

(Editor's Note: After this story was written, Laurel Krahn received the good news: for $1, someone had bought her a tie worn by Daniel Baldwin.)


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