We watch... so you don't have to.
TeeVee Mailbag XXIV: And What Can The Wizard Do For You, Scarecrow?
At the risk of revealing the movie's inscrutable denouement -- and if you plan on piecing together the mystery yourself, read no further -- "The Skulls" ends with a pistol duel between our hero, Joshua Jackson, and the conflicted pretty-boy son of the villainous Craig T. Nelson. Jackson, who has just spent the past hour out-running sport-utility vehicles and exposing the evil machinations of the once and former Coach, is beaten to the draw by Conflicted Pretty-Boy. But, instead of sending our Pacey off to his eternal reward, Conflicted Pretty-Boy turns the gun on Craig T. Nelson and fills him full of lead.
A fairly predictable ending that should have been apparent to any tool-using adult shortly after the opening credits. Western Union doesn't send things this telegraphed. Still, that didn't stop one woman in the theater from shrieking, in apparent shock from this not-so-sudden turn of events, "Oh my God!"
We're pretty sure that this woman is a regular reader of TeeVee.
We don't like casting aspersions here at TeeVee, at least not unless it's at Shasta McNasty. And we like to think only the utmost of our readers, many of whom are as clever and quick-witted as we delude ourselves into thinking we are. Still, despite our best intentions, our inclination to see only the best in people, our crazy love affair with the brotherhood of Man, the evidence we've seen points to one unpleasant yet inescapable conclusion about our readership.
Some of you are a little thick.
How else to explain the startling numbers of readers who fell for our April Fool's Day parody? That's our annual April Fool's Day parody, as in, we've done this nonsense each year for the past four. And this time around, just to make our hoax particularly transparent, we made as if AOL had shelled out big bucks to buy our penny-ante little Web site. That's AOL -- the company fresh off the largest corporate merger in history -- buying us and our total assets of the $3.75 in quarters and X-rated movie arcade tokens that Collier has in his trousers right now.
A pretty obvious fakery, right? A two-bit forgery that could have been spotted by even the densest schoolboy?
Let's have reader Supervixen62 tackle those questions:
What the hell is this shit?Indeed. What the hell is this shit? A thinly veiled gag that shouldn't have tricked anybody in possession of a calendar and their five wits? A ham-fisted ruse thrown together by a handful of people with apparently too much free time? Or just your run-of-the-mill bamboozle best handled by the boys in the bunco squad?
You want to handle that one, Bookwrm456?
You *were* joking, right? 'Cause if not, I'll just go curl up in a fetal
position on the floor.
GEE, THANKS SO MUCH FOR RUINING ONE OF MY FAVORITE WEBSITES! YOUR LAME
ATTEMPTS AT WIT ARE BLAND AND UNPALATABLE -CORPORATE, TO SAY THE LEAST.
STILTED, WITHOUT FUN, MAINSTREAM, HUMORLESS, BORING AND JUST GODDAMN UN-
JOLLY! THEN YOU CAP IT OFF BY INSULTING THE PEOPLE WHO WERE TALENTED AND
ENTERTAINING (THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THE FORMER POPULARITY OF THE SITE!) WITH
SOMETHING THAT COULD ALMOST RESEMBLE HUMOR BUT MUST REALLY BE IT'S
TOOTHLESS, INBRED, BASTARD COUSIN.
THANKS FOR FINDING ANOTHER WAY TO REMIND ME WHY I DO NOT AND WILL NOT
EVER PATRONIZE AOL - YOU SUCK THE LIFE AND JOY FROM THE INTENET LIKE AND
INDUSTRIAL SIZED HOOVER. ACTUALLY, YOUR SUCKING POWER RIVALS THAT OF THE
MECHANICAL MAID IN "SPACEBALLS" THAT ATTEMPTED TO SUCK UP AN ENTIRE
PLANETS ATMOSPHERE. ONE CAN ONLY HOPE THAT THIS IS ONE HELL OF AN APRIL
FOOLS JOKE - THAT I WOULD HEARTILY APPLAUD!!!!
Folks, we're touched by the outpouring of support, the kind words, the threats of bloody reprisals against Steve Case and company. But fear not: We're still here, and America Online hasn't done anything hackneyed and awful in recent weeks, unless you want to count the preview release of Netscape 6. So relax, everybody. Take a deep breath, pour yourself a stiff drink and enjoy the good chuckle we intended.
And if any of you that were fooled plan on operating heavy machinery or driving automobiles in areas where we live anytime soon, um, could you let us know first?
Or just follow the lead of self-described "faithful TeeVee reader" Jen:
You guys have outdone yourselves this April 1st.
It's a beautiful example of the evil sarcastic humor I enjoy from your site,
at least until you get lucky
enough to be swallowed up by a giant multimedia conglomerate. Bravo!
Jen, faithful TeeVee viewer until you become a subscription site then I'm
outta here.
While we're on the subject of easily fooled readers, here's Angie, who's been tricked into thinking that a) Profiler is a good show and b) that we give a sack of drunken monkey sick what she has to say.
You really suck, if you excuse me for saying so.
I read your article about Profiles In Banality from aug. 16 1999. And let me
just tell you, ALLY WALKER
is THE BEST actress ever, don't even dare writing so ever again. And the
reason why you never got any
mails defending her and the show profiler is because no Ally fan reads those
kind of things that you write.
I only saw it while looking for material about Ally to my new Ally site.
I think you should write an article about the fact someone defended her, I
promise that you will get more
mails than this one.
Ok, whoever wrote this STUPID article must not have watched one ep of
"Profiler". And your references >to Millenium? I'm sorry, that has so been
done by every freakin' newspaper known to man. But, if you >had watched an ep
of Profiler and an ep of Millenium you would have found a MAJOR difference.
And the remarks about Ally, ummm, no! She is the BEST actress I have ever
seen. And as to your
reference to her "coldness" on the show, umm, I don't think REAL FBI
Profilers jump all over the place
spewing emotion. Its the kinda of job that if you let it get personal, it'll
break you. Ally Walker will be the
ONLY actress that will be able to portray a Profiler realistically.
Thank God I waited a while to write you or this message would have been ful
of anger. How dare you
slander the work of a hard-working individual when you yourself have
probably never been near
Hollywood, and with your current attitude, never will.
Or were you speaking metaphorically?
There's nothing metaphorical about Animal Planet's "Crocodile Hunter, at least as far as jwfan4life had in mind. Just a few snide words from our Jason Snell about animal provocateur Steve Irwin, and jwfan4life leapt into action, context, self-restraint and reading comprehension skills be damned.
You can tell this idiot Jason Snell, that Steve Irwin is an animal lover who
is only interested in conserving
animal populations and really enjoys what he is doing. He is doing good for
the planet, and teaching
people to love animals. Oh hell. Snell can read this on his own. Jwfan4life still has something on her, for lack of a better word, mind.
If he doesn't like the show and thinks it crazy--then turn off the channel.
He does not have to insult and
belittle the man for honestly trying to help our endangered animals. It is
always the way of people to try
and bring someone down when they have become successful--Maybe you need to
work on your own
career and try to be successful instead of bringing someone down to try and
make yourself successful.Between easily duped TeeVee readers, insane Ally Walker groupies and Crocodile Hunter fans who have vowed to defend Steve Irwin to the death, you can understand why we might have found this month's mailbag to be a downer. Thank goodness for alert TeeVee reader Paula, who read a sneering Philip Michaels article about televised cheerleader competitions and decided to set the non-Hollywood bound grumpus straight.
As a parent of a varsity cheerleader I am offended at the column you wrote
about cheerleading. Obviously
you must not know much about this sport or what these girls go through to
get to nationals. These girls are
the best of the best. Maybe you ought to spend some time with some of them
while they are preparing for
nationals. These are very smart and disciplined girls. They do cheerleading
out of love for it. Our girls
competed this year in Florida and came home with white satin jackets and we
did last year.These girls raise
their own money to get to Florida. It is a shame that you have this opionion
about cheerleading in whole. I
bet if you spent some time with these girls and really saw what they did and
how they got there, you might
appreciate the sport more. If I can assist you with anything in this area, I
would be happy to.This is the best e-mail we've ever gotten.
And, in the spirit of détente proposed by Paula, we'd like to extend her invitation to other, oft misunderstood professions -- porn starlets, stewardess, exotic dancers, information systems managers with favorable stock option packages. By spending time around these folks, we hope to have a great appreciation for what they do and why they do it.
And believe us when we say: this offer is no April Fool.
Additional contributions to this article by: Philip Michaels.
