We watch... so you don't have to.

A TeeVee Wedding

Never let it be said that we here at TeeVee avoid doing our duty.

Last week, the word came down from on high: it was time for us to get into the reality television game. And what better way to do it, the big shots said, then to marry off Lisa Schmeiser to one of the other Vidiots? And better yet, the grande frommages opined, we can have our faithful TeeVee readers vote on which Vidiot would marry Lisa.

So we set up the poll and headed to Vegas, not knowing what cruel fate you on the Internet would force upon us. Would Knauss, Rywalt, or Snell be forced to take a second wife, putting themselves at odds with the U.S. government (and their first wives), but at the same time ingratiating themselves to several polygamist Mormon sects? There was definitely a bit of trepidation as the married men stepped off the plane and into the hundred-degree-plus desert heat.

But in the other corner were some Vidiots more excited by the plan given to us by our feared leaders. Boychuk, Wrenn, Robinson all strode into the lobby at the Tropicana hotel with glints in their eyes and bouquets of flowers in their hands, ready to woo Miss Schmeiser if the Internet should order it.

Being a Vidiot is a lonely life, you see.

Ensconced in a luxury suite in the pyramid-shaped Luxor hotel, incomparable character actor Dennis Boutsikaris waited for the call in case you, the TeeVee viewers, chose our token celebrity contestant over the Vidiots proper. Dennis enjoyed an all-expenses-paid weekend in Vegas on us, but in the end we had no use for him.

Friday night, we huddled in secret to observe how the balloting was progressing. And more than that, we shared stories -- humorous anecdotes that can only be shared when a large contingent of Vidiots meet in person. (Usually, due to constitutional concerns, no more than four Vidiots can be present in the same place at one time.) It turns out, several of us had spotted the elusive Peter Ko, who was lurking on the periphery of the Tropicana and threatening to crash the wedding as a write-in candidate.

At this point, we began to regret leaving Ko's name off the ballot. Because though he may only visit us occasionally these days, it's better to include Ko than risk inciting the Wrath of Pete. One shot of the patented Ko right hook and we're down on the carpet. It's good to keep Pete happy.

All the while, a frightened Philip Michaels sat in the corner, trembling in fear. Not as outgoing as the other Vidiots, the reclusive Michaels prefers to spend the bulk of his time in a darkened room writing the comedy pieces that have earned him the love and respect of Internet oddballs the world over.

The idea of potentially getting married had thrown Michaels for a loop, sure. But even more frightening was the prospect that our fair-skinned savant would have to emerge from his cave and stand in the searing Las Vegas sun for the wedding ceremony.

That's because, sparing no expense, the cruel overlords of TeeVee had rented a lovely garden just off the Strip for the nuptials. Always ones with an eye for saving a few bucks, our masters had clearly gotten a discount by planning a wedding outdoors. In the daytime. In August. In Las Vegas.

As we drank our Jim Beam and shot at our hotel televisions Elvis-style, Lisa moved in separate circles. We were all awaiting our fate, but Lisa's had been sealed by the memo sent down by the bastards upstairs. She didn't want to lose her cushy job at TeeVee, and secretly had already begun to consider the residuals paid to Dennis Boutsikaris every time his episode of The X-Files aired. So Lisa hit the town, searching Las Vegas for a wedding dress and partying down with her posse of girlfriends who had flown in (on their own dimes -- thanks for nothing, generous TeeVee bosses) to say goodbye to their friend's days as a single woman.

Finally, the mandated day arrived. We all assembled at the appointed location. All except Boutsikaris, who apparently had gotten hold of some bad fish at the Mirage's all-you-can-eat buffet. Boychuk was psyched, decked out in tuxedo and ready to walk down the aisle.

Lisa with prospective grooms: (L-R) Michaels, Ko, Wrenn, Snell, Boychuk, and Robinson.

And then the word came down: the readers had spoken. Lisa Schmeiser was to walk down the aisle with... Lisa Schmeiser?

Very funny, kids. Suggesting that Lisa marry herself, just so you could get -- as one of our readers put it -- "some hot girl-on-girl action." But after a brief delay to check with our legal experts, we discovered that even in the lax state of Nevada (where several species of great apes are allowed to run for high state office) you are not yet allowed to marry yourself. Although apparently Nevada voters will be considering such a measure on this November's ballot.

With that ruling, it was clear that Lisa would end up marrying whoever finished behind her in our Internet poll. And much to Boychuk's dismay, his was not the name called. Instead, it was the name of our own peculiar genius, our reclusive-yet-prolific whipping boy. White smoke shot up the chimney. Philip Michaels' name had been placed in nomination.

We found Phil in the bathroom, rocking back and forth and singing quietly to himself. He bolted when we saw us, but the tranquilizer in our blow-dart takes hold surprisingly fast. Before Phil knew it, he was walking down the aisle -- propped up by Boychuk and Ko -- to meet his fate.

And is it really that horrible a fate? Sure, it didn't work out for Darva Conger and Rick Rockwell. But Phil and Lisa already have a lot in common. They both share the bond of the Vidiot. They're both agreeable, affable sorts. Neither have any visible scars (physical ones, anyway). Neither has done any hard time. They have all 10 of their fingers and toes.

We're pretty sure they'll make a good go of it. And if not, there's always Boychuk, who is still demanding a recount.

And so ends the first -- and given that we've got no other female Vidiots, the last -- TeeVee wedding. What have we wrought? Imagine the power of the combined Michaels-Schmeiser bloc. Together, they've written 200 TeeVee pieces and another 40 Station Breaks. It boggles the mind.

Do you suppose someone will buy them a TV set as a wedding present?

Congratulations, Lisa and Phil!

-- from your pals, the Vidiots.

Additional contributions to this article by: Jason Snell.


TeeVee - About Us - Archive - Where We Are Now

Got a comment? Mail us at teevee@teevee.org.

* * *