We watch... so you don't have to.
Twenty Reasons We'd Watch the Emmys
So NBC decided to turn over the hosting duties for September's Emmy Awards to
and talented Conan O'Brien instead of human Joke-O-Matic Jay Leno? Great
-- but we won't be watching.
You say this year's Emmy ceremony doesn't figure to be as somber and
ultimately irrelevant as last year's installment, delayed first by the
terrorist attacks and then by the military action against the Taliban and
maybe even because event organizers lost their deposit on the Shrine
Auditorium? Everyone's entitled to live in hope, we suppose, but even if the
awards show defies its basest instincts and stops just short of having all
the nominees link hands and sing "We Are the World," we wouldn't be there to
see it -- we'll be watching the Cartoon Network.
You think the list of nominees proves
that this year's ceremony will be chock full of surprise winners and
newcomers to the Emmy Awards victory parade? OK -- but try to hold back your
disappointment when Frasier wins its 4,000th Emmy further ensuring the
good-but-not-landmark show's place as the most honored show in history or
when the casts of The West Wing and Sex in the City form a conga line up
to the podium to receive their statues. As for us, we have some laundry to
fold that evening.
When it comes to award shows, the Emmys are a double-dog drag, the wobbly
caboose in the never-ending award show train. Less consequential than the
Tonys, a show that honors the achievements of people who work in a nine-block
stretch of midtown Manhattan. More square than the Grammys, which considers
Jethro Tull a heavy metal band, the Three Tenors a pop group and Will Smith a
greater rap artist than Public Enemy. Longer than the Oscars. More rigged
than the American Music Awards. Stupider than the ESPYs. More... Well...
nothing's stupider than the ESPYs. But you get our point.
In other words, there's absolutely no need to watch the Emmys, unless you're
a big fan of spredetermined outcomes, passionless acceptance speeches and
musical tributes to the cast of Fish. Hey, we like Fish as much as
anyone, but as for the rest, we'll take a pass.
Unless... unless the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences gets on the
stick this year and decides to liven up the Sept. 22 telecast. If someone
affiliated with the Emmy Awards were to contact us with an explicit promise
that any one of the following 20 things would happen during the course of the
evening, we'd tune in with the remote in one hand and a bottle of pep pairs
to keep us awake for the four-hour ceremony in the other.
- Best Supporting Actor nominee Victor Garber eschews black-tie in favor of
his Jesus costume from the original production of Godspell. "It still
fits," he happily tells Joan Rivers.
- Rob Lowe interrupts his opening number duet with Spongebob Squarepants to
turn the camera and say, "No, really, can someone explain to me why I'm the
only West Wing cast member not to get nominated?"
- Ralph Nader's insurgent candidacy siphons off enough votes from favorite
Kim Cattrall, allowing Cynthia Nixon to win Best Supporting Actress in a
Comedy in an upset.
- Best actresses in a drama nominees Jennifer Garner, Rachel Griffiths,
Frances Conroy and Allison Janey spend the entire ceremony staring at Amy
Brenneman and humming "One of these things is not like the others."
- In a pre-show interview with E!'s Joan Rivers, Courtney Cox reveals that
the sole reason she's the only "Friend" never to be nominated for an Emmy is
that the Television Academy is afraid she'll bring her husband to the
- Winners of the technical awards categories take the more glamorous
creative awards ceremony hostage. "We have the technology," Outstanding
Single-Camera Picture Editing winner Mary Jo Markey says. "Fear us."
- Whenever a West Wing cast member fails to win, Rob Lowe can be see on
camera mouthing the words "Good."
- After presenter William Peterson announces that Law & Order has won an
award, a vicious melee breaks out between the producers of Special Victims
Unit, Criminal Intent and the original Law & Order when all three try to
claim the trophy.
- Jennifer Aniston is recognized by the academy as Best Actress in a Comedy
on the condition that a shirtless Brad Pitt accepts the award on her behalf.
- Wolf Lake wins an Emmy for Best Theme Music, thus ensuring the series
will forever be referred to as "The Emmy-Award Winning Wolf Lake" to fulfill
a Biblical prophecy.
- As the list of nominees Best Supporting Actor in a Drama are read off,
the words "Dule Hill" prompt Rob Lowe to jump to his feet screaming, "How,
- All Drama award winners are required in their acceptance speeches to
thank David Chase for producing the next Sopranos season when he's damn
good and ready.
- Debbie Allen's musical dance tribute to Dinotopia goes horribly wrong
when Matt LeBlanc is crushed during the triumphant finale.
- All Six Feet Under Emmy recipients pepper their acceptance speeches
with unusually vile profanity.
- The producers of Bachelorettes in Alaska, Big Brother and Elimidate
Deluxe are all invited into a room to receive a "special" Emmy -- only one
- Terrified presenters back away from a snarling Michael Chiklis as the
balding, muscular actor accepts his Emmy in character. "You did right by me,"
Chiklis tells the academy. "Now, I'm going to do right by you."
- "Ladies and gentlemen: the Emmy Award for Lifetime Achievement goes to
- The camera cuts to Rob and Chad Lowe sobbing uncontrollably every time a
winner is announced.
- Rick Cleveland, formerly a West Wing writer and now a supervising
producer Six Feet Under accepts the Emmy for Best Drama by thanking former
boss Aaron Sorkin for "providing unbelievably easy competition."
- Emmy organizers decide to save us all three hours of tedium by just
giving HBO a few crates of trophies and sending everyone else home early.