We watch... so you don't have to.

And Now, Outright Lies From Our Sponsors

You spend an entire weekend watching the baseball playoffs on Fox -- and on behalf of my fellow Oakland Athletic fans, I'd like to thank the Minnesota Twins for waiting until after crushing our hopes and dreams in the divisional series to play as if they were taking mob money -- and you watch a lot of the same commercials. Over and over again. And once you've watched the same promo for Girls Club three or four times an hour for an entire afternoon, even the most resistant subconscious can't help but absorb an advertiser's claim or two. Here are the truths my brain now holds to be self-evident, after a weekend-long flogging courtesy of Fox's sponsors.

1. You want to enjoy an evening of unbridled hedonism, you better grab yourself some Coors Light if you want the good times to really roll.

2. Whether it's crusading public school teachers or sexy girl attorneys, nobody delivers powerful, hard-hitting drama like David E. Kelley.

3. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing. You gotta have something -- if you want to be with me.

4. Apparently, Taco Bell's new carne asada steak taco is so delicious, you can trick gullible young women into thinking you've prepared them a home-cooked meal.

5. Ford is the truck of choice for belligerent hillbilly braggarts.

There's only one problem with these premises -- they are lies, filthy lies that fester in the mouths of Madison Avenue jackals before being honed by focus groups and sprung on an unsuspecting populace. I don't presume to speak for everyone who watched Fox's baseball coverage this weekend, but I figure a decent chunk of them, like me, have been around the block a few times, and there are essential truisms not even Livan Hernandez splitters, Benito Santiago homers, and 10-run Angel rallies can stupefy us into forgetting. To wit:

1. Whenever I want to start the good times a-rolling, I usually select a beverage that doesn't taste like yak urine, and watered-down yak urine at that.

2. While it may be difficult for anyone who watched the final season of Ally McBeal to believe, David E. Kelley has reached a point in his career where he cannot possibly embarrass himself any more than he already has.

3. I don't even know what that means, least of all what it has to do with driving one of GM's automotive offerings.

4. Women who confuse anything on Taco Bell's menu with something you might cook yourself probably don't have a whole lot to recommend them as intimate companions.

As for number 5... well, I'm perfectly willing to accept that one.


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