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Who Wants to be Joe Millionaire?

If you caught Fox's Thanksgiving Day tilt between the Washington Redskins and Dallas Cowboys, then, well, God's mercy on you. But if you watched the game, you probably saw the dozen or so ads touting a new reality series that will debut this January. It features women of varying levels of vacuity, some sporting implants with differing degrees of severity, who have been brought to a mansion -- complete with bewigged footman and carriages and other things the women folk dream of when they're eight -- where they are the guests of a mysterious stranger. Once at the mansion, they compete for the affections of the mysterious stranger, or his millions, or some combination therein. The show's called Joe Millionaire, which probably sounded better than Temptation Mansion or Love Cruise II: Landlocked or More Reality TV Nonsense From Those Sick Bastards at Fox or Please, Oh Please, Don't Sue Us, 'Bachelor' Producers. The Fox promo was very unclear on this point.

What the Fox promo was crystal-clear on, however, was that the mysterious stranger -- let's assume he's named Joe Millionaire -- had something to hide. "Things are not all they seem," the Fox announcer growled during the promo. "What is he hiding?"

Huh. Well, OK-- I'll take a shot. His Christian name really isn't Joe Millionaire? He's infected with several venereal diseases, including a particularly tricky little virus out of Sweden? He once took a swing at a U.S. Senator? He's brought all these women to his mansion not to reward them with affection or free money, but rather to make them look like asses on national TV? 'Tis a mystery, indeed.

Oh, not so mysterious that I'll be tempted to tune in next January when Jimmy Bazillions or Johnny C-Note or whatever the hell it is Fox is calling this show debuts. Nope, I'm going to stick with a more life-affirming task -- making up patently false and potentially libelous secrets that Joe Millionaire is trying to suppress. Right now, I'm leaning toward "horribly scarred by acid in a freak industrial accident" but I'm willing to go with "Helped fix the 1919 World Series" in a pinch.


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