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An Open Letter To Channel Five

Dear New York's Fox Five,

For two years I have been silent out of respect. I believe I have shown great patience and a rather un-Collier-like sense of decorum. But I can be silent no longer. Your broadcast signal sucks! In fact, calling it a broadcast signal would be an overstatement. Now I will admit, I could just get cable or DirecTV and this whole issue would be moot. Get cable, and I get to watch my reruns of The Simpsons and Seinfeld and I finally get to find what whole hullabaloo is about 24. Yeah, I could do that.

But the thing is, I'm a cheapskate. Don't take my word for it, ask the TeeVee guys. They'll tell ya: Collier don't pick up the check for nothin'. Why am I gonna pay 70 damned dollars just to get one stupid channel? Oh sure, I'd get ESPN, MTV and CNN and that stuff. Sure, I guess that would be kinda cool. But I just can't see myself paying for TV. Call me old school if you must, that's just how I am.

Anyhow, it's going on two years since your antenna was destroyed with the World Trade Center. Every station in New York City that once broadcast signals from the towers have strong signals once again... except for Fox Five. I think it's time you guys got cracking on fixing your signal, because I really, really need to watch my reruns of The Simpsons.

Collier Out.


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