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Warning: Heresy Herein

So the Newsweek cover this week is, "Who Really Killed Jesus?"

Because when we find the guy that did it... Deicide's a hanging offense 'round Jerusalem, son.

In any event, our understanding is that it was God, in Palestine, with the Free Will of Man. Or the Lead Pipe.

Next week, on CSI: Nazareth, Simon Peter declares that it will take a miracle to solve the mystery of the empty tomb; Mary Magdalene and Thomas exchange views on transubstantiation; Lazarus looks into an assjacking in Samaria. Simon Peter: Peter Berg; Mary Magdalene: Rena Sofer; Thomas: Tim Meadows; Lazarus: Jason Biggs. Centurion Brassius: George Dzunda. Guest starring Michael Shalhoub as Zacchias and Dylan McDermott as Leper #2.


Remember the first episode of CSI, when they killed the new kid? They could do that to Lazarus every week on CSI: Nazareth.

Next week, on Gethsemane Park, four foul-mouthed little disciples get into satirical scrapes. One of them ends up screaming, "Oh, my God! He killed Lazarus! You bastard!" And the other shouts, "Dude! Do you not remember who you hang out with?" Pilate: Isaac Hayes.

In any event, somebody had to kill Jesus. It's not much of a religion if he doesn't die. And 'Jesus Passed Away Quietly In His Sleep For Your Sins' doesn't have much of a ring to it.


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