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Letter to Scrubs

Dear Scrubs,

I want to keep on loving you, but you're making it damn hard these days. I could almost live with the way you put Elliott and her hair in a blender and hit 'chop' last September, because I figured her coif was symbolic of the way you were systematically butchering her character. And the Elliott/J.D. nonsense only made me roll my eyes and blurt, "God! Is it over yet?" a little. I realize that unresolved sexual tension is fountain of youth for comedy plot lines -- twenty years of Friends and a full half-century of Frasier can't be wrong -- so you keep flogging that plot in the desperate hopes of keeping the show alive through another season. I forgive you that.

But baby, I'm getting tired of the blondes. I figured you stuck Tara Reid in that show because it was your cute, funny way of working out your insecurities, like when I put on a skirt, walk into the living room, and carol at the husband, "Hi, there! It's your worst nightmare! Tell me if this skirt makes me look fat? Please?"

And I then figured you were, you know, just going through a moody period when you insisted on shoving Bellamy Young (AKA "Dr. Grace Miller") down our throats. Because, really, that's the only explanation for Diet Jordan. Dr. Miller added nothing to the cast, she had the screen presence of a used surgical sponge, and time slowed perceptibly whenever she opened her mouth. Again -- I'm totally sympathetic to your desire to stay young and on the air, but bringing in characters who slow time for the rest of us only prolongs the suffering. And what's the point of having more life if it's only going to be miserable? I believe there's even a Queen song to that effect. Perhaps you can use it the next time you dump Dr. Miller on our screen. There's no place for her, there's no time for her.

But now I read that you're bringing Heather Graham on the series for an eight episode run. And baby, I'm sorry, but I can't let my TiVo go out with you anymore. I've got to draw a line. Thanks to the decency crackdown, we're not likely to see Dr. Rollergirl, and Graham has little else to recommend her. The one contribution she's made to comedy is to make Liz Hurley look like a screwball comedienne by comparison, and that perception got us Bedazzled and Serving Sara. Frankly, I'm baffled as to how the woman responsible for that could possibly be good for your show.

So it's over. For now. If I see you socially, I'll be cordial, but baby, we can't even be friends right now.

Come crawling back after you've come to your senses.


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