VQTV - Enemies List

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Enemies List

Even the greatest men to walk the earth -- Jesus Christ, Mahatma Gandhi, Mickey Mantle -- had their enemies. So too does the greatest force for good -- television.

For some reason, television has its share of detractors. We don't pretend to know why. Maybe it's because they're jealous of TV's power to reach a global audience while only a handful of people turn out to hear their lectures at ratty college coffee-houses. Maybe it's because they've never taken the time to understand TV. Maybe they secretly love TV as much as we do, but just pretend to hate it so they can seem "hip" and "cool." Or maybe they're just evil.

Whatever the reason, TV's enemies must be stopped. While there's little chance that their anti-TV prattle will be taken seriously by anyone in a position of influence -- like, say, the head of a TV network -- that doesn't make their disparaging and defamatory ramblings any less dangerous. If we don't stop them from running down TV now, then at worst, an entire generation of children will grow up thinking it's OK not to spend hours in front of the TV set each night. And at best, they'll keep talking while we're trying to watch "Friends," and we'll miss an important line.

Here then are TV's sworn enemies -- do-gooders and buttinskis who want to tell you how to live your life. Well, maybe we should tell them how to live theirs, instead. So we've included a handy letter for you to clip, copy, and send off to the trouble-making rabble-rousers who won't be happy until everyone else is munching granola and miserable.

The next time Joe Intellectual and Betty NoTV start rattling off their jive, wave this note in their kissers and watch them turn eight shades of pink with shame. Remember -- knowledge is power. But TV is more powerful still.

George Gerbner
Todd Gitlin
Neil Postman
Wendell Berry
Jack Valente
John Tayler Gatto
Larry P. Arnn
Barbara Kingsolver
That Bastard Who Cancelled Cagney and Lacey
Attorney General John Ashcroft
Attorney General Janet Reno
Attorney General William French Smith
Attorney General Edwin Meese
Attorney General William Kunstler
Attorney General A. Mitchell Palmer
Jerry Mander
Robert Putnam
Joyce Millman
Ray Putnam
Dave Eggers
Mark Crispin Miller
William J. Bennett
Robert Pastorelli
Robert Conrad
Robert Johnson
The Guy Who Played the D.A. on Law and Order
The Guy Who Played the D.A. on Perry Mason
The Guy Who Played Jon on C.H.I.P.S.
The Guy Who Played the Editor on Lou Grant
The Guy Who Played Lucy's Husband in I Love Lucy
Anyone who was ever on Saved by the Bell
Bill Moyers
Those BBC America Clowns That Think They're Too Good for American TV
Jim Lehrer
Robert McNeil
Anyone who's ever manned a phone for a PBS pledge break
The Man Who Killed Philo T. Farnsworth Just to Watch Him Die
T.S. Eliot
Newton Minow
Frank Lloyd Wright
Lenny Bruce

USE THIS LETTER TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS TO ENEMIES OF TV!

Dear Enemy of TV:

Speaking as a decent, hard-working America who likes nothing better than to spend a little quality time in front of my television set, I'm sick to death of your constant TV bashing. TV has given me hours of entertainment, a wealth of information, and constant companionship. What have you ever given me? A lot of grief and backtalk is what.

Running down TV may score you points in the faculty lounge and at museum benefits, but here in the real word, we like TV just fine. What has TV ever done to you that's so bad? Did it beat you up when you were a kid?

Maybe if you spent less time trying to get attention for yourself by attacking a beloved American institution and more time watching "Knight Rider" reruns, you might enjoy life a little bit more. You'd certainly be less of a pill.

So lay off TV. And please devote your future energies to the problems that are really plaguing society like hunger and poverty and people who don't watch enough "JAG."

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
YOUR NAME HERE