3/28/2005
It’s a Bar Called “Cheers,” Goddamit! I Own the Place!
I went down to the airport again tonight, pushed my way into the bar at the domestic terminal and waited for it.
Eventually the silence grew a little uncomfortable, and people kept bumping into me as they went past. So I said "Norm!" myself.
"Evenin', everybody," I said, and sauntered in.
I was getting pretty close to the end of the bar and nobody had picked up their end, so I said, "What's new, Normy?"
"My voracious sexual appetite!" I said. Heh heh.
One spectacular young woman, maybe fifty-five or so, perked up noticeably as I climbed onto the stool next to her. "Hello there, sexy lady!" I said.
It was tough to see her eyes, with her hair matted down like that, but I think she started to cry.
Now Sam -- Danson played him, but Sam was a man unto to himself and an inspiration to us all -- would have switched tactics here. He would have said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, darin'! Nothin's that bad!" and gone all touchy soft.
But not me. I've got twelve years as an unstoppable sexual predator under my belt and what was called for here was something I like to call Wendt Direct Express.
"Wanna screw?" I said.
She cried a little harder -- it was definitely crying -- but I had a sneaking suspicion that her cheeks weren't the only part of her getting wet.
"I said, Wanna screw?" I said.
The bartender leaned in and said, "Hey, pal. Back off, OK? The lady's not interested."
"Hey, Woody," I said. "You back off. Do you have any idea who I am?"
"Some fat, sweaty bastard who doesn't have the good sense to leave someone alone?"
"Norm!" I said to the rest of the bar, most of who were looking at us. "Evenin', everybody!"
A moment passed, interrupted only by the quiet sobbing of the smokin' hot momma next to me.
"How's it going, Norm!" I said.
"Down on me!" I said.
The bartender started to wave over a security guard and I decided to leave.
Posted by George at 9:03 PM
This page is part of TeeVeePad, a satirical site by TeeVee.org. None of the public figures in this parody are the actual authors of any of the content. All of this work is completely fictional and intended for satirical purposes. Lawsuits are unnecessary.