Skip to article

DOD Budget Cuts Shutter Top-Secret Project

Published: April 1, 2007

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo., March 31 — The imposing rock face of Cheyenne Mountain is best known to the world as NORAD, the U.S. government’s primary control center in the event of nuclear war. But for more than a decade, whispers and rumors reaching from amateur sites on the Internet to the highest corridors of power have suggested that the complex housed another, more secret operation dedicated to national defense. Now, for the first time, inside members of that project have come forward to confirm its existence — and protest its impending closure.

Skip to next paragraph

World

Manic-Depressive With Blinky Device Saves London, Again

The DoctorFor approximately the 15th time this year, an uncredentialed and possibly unstable academic has saved London from alien invasion.

“I feel the work we do is very important,” said D.J., who, like the other team members interviewed for this story, says he’s been with the project “on and off” from its inception. (To preserve their anonymity, the interviewees requested to be identified by their initials only.) “It’s a shame to see it cancelled so abruptly, solely for financial purposes.”

Much remains unknown about the so-called “Stargate” project, long a notoriously obscure and highly classified line item buried deep within the Air Force’s annual budget. A handful of references to the program have also been found in United Nations documents, though representatives of both organizations declined comment on the issue. Reviews of personnel previously stationed at Cheyenne Mountain, but not assigned to NORAD, suggest the project may encompass everything from all-terrain combat to cultural anthropology to theoretical physics.

A short-lived 2001 science fiction television series, Wormhole X-Treme! — recently revived to far greater success — is also purportedly based on the project, and involves a team of adventurers who travel through an alien portal to distant planets. Martin Lloyd, executive producer of the original and revival series, denied any connection when reached for comment. Curiously, Mr. Lloyd’s name appears several times on lists of visitors to Cheyenne Mountain between 2000 and 2006.

The team members, while refusing to provide greater detail on the purpose of the project, insist that it plays a vital role in national, and possibly global defense. “It would be unwise indeed to leave this planet undefended,” said T., a founding team member. “I fear that the cancellation of the Stargate program will achieve exactly such a purpose.”

“I’ve been trying to analyze the budget numbers for days now,” said S.C., an engineer and physicist. “I keep thinking that if we can just reroute the cash flow through a negative allocation matrix, and add several Cordawain structures to increase the interest, we might be able to restore full funding.”

S.C. is not the only team member actively seeking a means to avert the program’s cancellation. “I’ve tried every ancient text at my disposal,” said D.J., an archaeologist prior to joining the project. “But I’m not finding any references to means for reviving an underfunded government program.”

Gen. Jack O’Neill, an Army veteran rumored to be formerly linked for the project, denied any knowledge of the “Stargate” program when interviewed at his lakeside Colorado cabin. “Huh? Starwhat?” O’Neill said. “Sorry, doesn’t ring a bell. Hey, long as you’re here, you mind getting me another beer?”

“Look, the program’s had a good run,” said one Pentagon insider willing to talk about the “Stargate” project. “But it was always kind of wonky — it had a lot of appeal for the technicial guys and the midlevel folks in the bureaucracy, but it never really connected with a wider audience. All the details and the protocol put a lot of people to sleep. They want something with a little more life to it.”

“I think this government has enough to take care of without pouring taxpayers’ money into sci-fi fantasy projects,” said Senate Minority Leader Robert Royce (R.-Penn.), when reached for comment about the program. “Why are we funding these pie-in-the-sky projects and not, say, missile defense?”

The Stargate program members interviewed expressed particular sympathy for two of their more recent colleagues, later identified as Col. Cameron Mitchell, a decorated combat pilot, and Vala Maldoran, listed in Air Force records as a civilian contractor. “[Col. Mitchell and Ms. Maldoran’s] last project got shut down halfway through a grant renewal,” D.J. said. “They had to wrap everything up in a hurry and move on. Now it feels like they just got here, and we’re closing down again. They really deserve better.”

Still, though the program will not continue in an ongoing fashion, the team members say it will not vanish entirely. They provided copies of documents that contain references to an ongoing sister project, known as “Atlantis,” to which S.C. expects to transfer later this year. They also say the “Stargate” project has received limited funding for a pair of related missions.

“They’ll be shorter in duration,” said S.C., “but hopefully greater in scope. One way or another, we’ll try to keep going until we wear out our welcome.”

“Indeed,” said T.

MOST POPULAR

  1. Study: Fathers Bufoonish, But Really Love Their Kids Deep Down
  2. Drummond Industries CEO Adopts More Orphans
  3. After Several False Leads, Police Detective Solves Crime
  4. Evil Twins Now Majority Demographic in Midwest Town of Salem
  5. Acerbic Homicide Detective Celebrates 1000th Departmental Transfer
  6. Obsessive-Compulsive Detective Found Dead in Sewer
  7. Zany Doctors Decry Working Conditions in Green Zone
  8. Giant Robot Cracks Dam, Crushes Power Station
  9. Chicago's County General Inexplicably Still Open
  10. Hospital Janitor's Taxidermy Collection Sets World Record
  11. Exiled Self-Help Author Discovers Men in Trees, Woman in Bush
  12. Sunnydale Crater Vigil Enters 1,245th Increasingly Creepy Day
  1. rance mulliniks
  2. noisy next-door neighbor
  3. meddling landlord
  4. crime-solving ghosts
  5. bowling alley lawyer
  6. joey tribbiani
  7. failed acting career
  8. Jersey mob
  9. lex luthor
  10. april fool's day