SMOLDERING CRATER ISLAND, South Pacific, March 31 — The Guild of Calamitous Intent, the foremost international governing body for supervillainy, today released a statement announcing revised internal guidelines for intra-Guild events.
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“Following that decidedly unpleasant business at the Monarch’s wedding last spring, we have increased the mandatory penalties for perpetrating unsanctioned violence at a neutral Guild event,” uttered the Sovereign, the Guild’s fearsome and mystery-shrouded leader. “Instead of merely being torn limb from limb by ravenous wolves, offenders will now be plunged into hot lava, and suffer a 50% increase on their dental copay for a period not to exceed three years.”
“Is there a new bylaw for how if you’re going to get married to a chick, she has to tell you beforehand if she used to be a dude?” said the Monarch, in a pirated transmission from his giant floating cocoon headquarters deep in the Grand Canyon. “Did they put anything like that in there? Because they f–ing well should have!”
OSI agent Brock Samson, a longtime nemesis of the Guild, says he respects the diligence with which its members obey their own bylaws. “With those guys, you always know where you stand,” Samson said, lighting a cigarette while cleaning komodo dragon blood from his military-issue K-bar knife. “They might try to swarm your compound and kill you in your sleep, but if you just waxed your car and it’s looking real cherry, they’ll take the time not to scratch it up if you ask ‘em nice.”
Samson’s current employer, longtime Guild target Dr. Thaddeus Venture, takes a dimmer view of the revisions. “Oh, please,” said Dr. Venture, whose father hosted the talks that led to the Guild’s founding. “Like anyone got anywhere by following the rules. If I followed, say, the prohibitions on flying a supersonic, plutonium-powered aircraft over populated areas, or that silly little ban on human cloning, do you think I’d be half the superscientist I am today? Do you?”
Dr. Venture was then attacked by a yeti with a cyborg arm, which Mr. Samson subsequently stabbed to death. Dr. Venture’s teenaged sons described the incident as “basically the keenest thing ever.”
The Sovereign, in his statement, said the Guild would not look kindly on any violations of the new standards. “We will lean hard on any infractions,” he intoned, “regardless of whether their perpetrators can afford the ticket.”
