Could I Be Any More Disa... Ah, Screw It

"I've got some good news and some bad news," my agent said when I picked up the phone. The last time he opened a conversation that way, I wound up starring in the Windows 95 Video Guide.

"The good news," he continued, "is that Courtney is very excited about doing a Friends spinoff."

"Well, that's grea..."

"The bad news is, she doesn't want to do it with you."

Good news, Kudrow. You're no longer my least favorite Friend.

"It seems," my agent said, "that Bings! will now go into production as Monica!. Courtney felt that audiences would be more interested in seeing a show about a young single person. And Jeff Zucker agreed."

"Yeah, I kind of gathered he would. So maybe there could be a Chandler! spin-off, too?"

"No dice. Zucker says he can only air one crummy Friends spinoff at a time."

"But with Joey and Monica! on the air, that means that there will be two..."

"Let's just say you should start ordering the FTD Pick-Me-Up Boquet for Matt now and avoid the rush."

"Oh. Well, that's a a three-hour phone call I'm not looking forward too."

"Jeff did say he might have a place for you on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."

"As a makeover candidate?"

"No, as a member of the Fab Five. Carson's getting a little too big for his britches from what I hear."

"Jeff's aware I'm not actually gay, right?"

"Yes, but he says as far as the general public is concerned, you might as well be."

"Well, I'll think about it."

"Don't think too long. He made the same offer to David Hyde Pierce."

Posted by mp at 4:30 PM on 3/28/05 | Comments (3)

Could David Arquette Be Any Weirder?

Courtney hasn't been too enthusiastic about Bings!, from what I'm told, so I decided to stop by her house today and persuade her in person. Some of us can't live off those Serving Sarah residuals forever, you know.

She wasn't there when I stopped by. But David Arquette was. He answered the door wearing a colander.

"Hey, Chandler!" he said.

"Hello, David," I replied. "It's good to see you."

"I see you every night on the television," he said. "Right after I see Gilligan."

We tried making small talk for a while, but really, there's only so many topics of conversation you can cover with that guy -- the weather, how various candies taste, whether dragons are evil or just misunderstood. Then, there are the prolonged periods of awkward silences where David just stares at you smiling. It's very unnerving.

"Toto once wrote a song about me," David finally said.

"I thought that was about your sister," I replied.

"I thought that was about your sister," he shot back.

Hard to imagine why Courtney wouldn't want to leave all this behind.

Posted by mp at 10:44 PM on 3/19/05 | Comments (0)

Could I Be Any More Excited?

Great news! I heard today that NBC is interested in doing a sitcom with me, after all!

"It turns out that Jeff Zucker is completely out of ideas," my agent said. "I hear he's going to spinoff characters from all of NBC's old successful shows. Theo from The Cosby Show. The dog from Frasier. Tina Yothers from Family Ties. He's that desperate."

He's that desperate. Are there four more beautiful words in the English language?

Anyhow, the idea is the show would be called Bings!, and it would catch up with Chandler and Monica just as their marriage is breaking up.

"People hate shows about married people," Jeff Zucker explained to me during our meeting. "They only want to see young single people on the TV."

"I don't know, Jeff," I said. "A divorce doesn't seem like the best of ideas for what's supposed to be comedy. And Courtney and I aren't so young any more."

"People hate shows about married people," Jeff replied, only a little louder this time. I think I detected a flash of panic in his eyes. "They only want to see young single people on the TV."

"But Jeff, there's lot of successful shows about married couples..."

"People hate shows about married people!" By now, he was grabbing my arm so hard he left a bruise. "They only want to see young single people on the TV."

"Look, Jeff..."

"PEOPLE HATE SHOWS ABOUT MARRIED PEOPLE! THEY ONLY WANT TO SEE YOUNG SINGLE PEOPLE ON THE TV." He started shaking violently and turning purple. This went on for another 10 minutes.

Interestingly enough, it was the most successful meeting I've ever had at NBC.

Posted by mp at 6:02 PM on 3/14/05 | Comments (1)

Could I Need Any More Work?

I've been talking to my agent a lot lately about maybe getting back into the sitcom game. At first, I was resistant -- I mean, who wants to get typecast playing the same kind of character over and over again? Sure, it works for Richard Belzer, but how many of us have his luck?

My agent was reluctant at first. "The networks are reluctant to build shows around you sitcoms. Especially with the way Joey's performed."

Great. Thanks, Matt.

"But all those Seinfeld guys got their own shows," I said.

"And look how well those did," my agent told me. "Do you think it's any coincidence that Michael Richards answered the phone when you called me today?"

"I thought maybe he was researching a part. Anyhow, Jason Alexander got a second chance. What's he got that I haven't got?"

"Pictures," my agent said. "Really incriminating ones, too."

Some guys have all the luck.

Posted by mp at 5:20 PM on 3/11/05 | Comments (1)

Could I Be Any More Online?

It took me a while to get this page set up. Matt was really the tech-savvy guy on the Friends set -- all that time downloading porn! (just kidding, Matt!) -- but he just doesn't have the time to come over now that he's working on Joey. Which is cool, since I figure he'll have plenty of time on his hands soon enough. (I'm not kidding this time, Matt.)

Anyhow, things seem to be up and running now, and it's good to learn through all this trial error. It's helped pass the time while I wait for the script for the next Whole Nine Yards sequel to arrive. It's called The Whole Eleven Yards: Two More Yards!.

No, really. That's the name.

Posted by mp at 4:13 AM on 3/6/05 | Comments (3)

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